Rubbing it RAW - 2/25/08

DISCLAIMER!!!: The views expressed by this article, or any other article or recap done by myself, Triple B, is the views of solely myself. These do not neccessarily reflect the views of Roughkut.com, Roughkut himself, or any of the staff or mods here at Roughkut. All jokes I put in are soley my decision to put in, and any crapitude from said jokes is MY fault. Nobody elses.

BLOGGING IT UP: Sorry. I honestly for some reason thought I did RAW last week. I got promoted at work, and have been working alot. ANd most of my spare time has been spent argueing with my wife, who for some oddball reason seems to enjoy ticking me off lately. I'm thinking of giving her a title belt that says "Queen of Conflict" on it for her birthday. Seriously though... I think I'm officially in what married people call "A Rough Patch." I was just finishing this today, and she said "You're recapping a "Wrestling Show." Who reads that?" PROVE HER WRONG!

INTRODUCTION:

Last Monday....

Jeff Hardy beat Gene Snitsky in a dance off to qualify for the MITB. Paul Burchill beat Super Crazy then teabagged his sister. Big Show ate an entire duck in the ring. Mr. Kennedy beat Val Venis in another MITB qualifier. Vince McMahon and JBL killed a midget and made Finlay cry. Maria.. pinned Beth Phoenix? WTF? And John Cena pinned Randy Orton.

Wait...

I'm sorry, I thought you wanted to know what HAPPENED last week. According to this WWE Video Package, the only thing that happened was Cean beat Orton, then HHH killed everyone. With his penis. If HHH wins the belt, the only good thing is that the stupid spinner belt goes away.

EL FIRSTO SEGMENTO

We go right into William Regal talking in the ring already. Cena, Orton and HHH are all standing there as well, because lord knows the fan base wants these guys around to 'tard things up. People take pictures of them. HHH is the most dressed up in jeans and a leather jacket. Orton looks like he's a chick wearing a nightshirt and no panties. Cena is wearing a hat that may, or may not have been shat in by Orton. Cena talks, but I save us all by having MUTE on for this entire show. Cena gets in HHH's grill. Because he's thug, baby. And Thug Life says you wear Nintendo style shirts and get real close to another man's face. HHH says something back, probably in a gravely voice. Then Orton says some shit. This goes on for 6 minutes until Cena and HHH start brawling, and Orton hits the RKO on everyone. Which means Cena will FU them all later tonight, and Vince will toss an FU to all the Jeff Hardy fans out there.

Replay of that crap.

Wrestlemania commercial. 34 Days Away!

Backstage, Orton is WALKING. Until Kennedy stops him and tries to sell him candy bars. Ken's daughter is in the Girl Scouts. Cut the man some slack.

I may have made part of that up.

EL FIRSTO MATCHO

Out first is BAMBI with GOLDEN and GOOSE. They are Maria, Santino and Carlito. Their opponents tonight are SCOOBY AND SCRAPY. They are Cody Rhodes and Hardcore Holly. Everyone color coordinated their pantaloons today. Santino and Cody to start. Santino slaps him around a bit, then Cody hits some punchery and a scoop slam. Cody with a knee drop. Title change. I'm calling it right now. Cody shoots Santino to the corner and hits some punchery, then hits a shitty arm drag. Santino shoots Cody into Carlito, then hits a kick and a knee takedown. Santino with punchery, and Carlito tags himself in. Carlito with stompery galore. Cover for two. Cody needs a Scooby Snack. Carlito with more punchery, and a cover for two. Carlito gets a chinlock, Cody powers out but Carlito is all "Dat's Not Cool" and hits a knee and a neckbreaker for two. Tag in to Santino. Santino with punchery, Cody gets a Russian Leg Sweep so everyone can take a nap. Hot tag to Carlito and Holly. Holly cleans house, then falls down. On his own. Seriously. Idiot. Holly with a clothesline and a low blow. Lawler throws his hat at Maria to see her bend over and pick it up. Pervert. You're like... 40 years older than her. Santino up top, and sees Lawler molesting Maria. Holly dumps him, and hits the Alabama Slamma for the three count. Damn Skanks! And I'm not talking about Cody Rhodes. santino argues with Maria about talking to strangers with candy. In thier pants. Not the TV Show.

Floyd Marywhateverhisnameis stands on a table to tell Big Show he's tall, and throws Monopoly money at a crowd earlier today.

Recap of Floyd jumping in the ring and Big Show being large. THen Floyd's 40 man entrouage of gangstas run out of the crowd like fucktards. Floyd then tells Big Show he ate the last donut backstage.



This might be interesting if it wasn't for the fact that Floyd was 5' nothing.

A bunch of people were at the Wrestlemania press Conference today. Floyd threw money and wore Yankee's merch. Cause that'll make people like him. Seriously though. Show's hand is the size of the man's head.

Grisham is talking with Regal. I am not, however. Chris Jericho shows up. I assume he's peeing in coffee or something.

EL SECONDO... whatever

Out first is DO A LITTLE DANCE. He is Jeff Hardy. His opponent is MAKE A LITTLE NOISE. He is Chris Jericho. Apparently this is for the MITB Qualifying spot... that... Jeff already... qualified for. So either Jeff's spot is on the line, or he gets in twice. Lockup, arm wrench by Jericho makes Jeff flip! Literally! He's in LOVE. Jericho gets the upper hand, though, and hits a few shoulderblocks, eats a few arm drags and Jeff hits an inside cradle for one. Jeff with a dropkick, then Chris dumps him outside. Jeff up top, hits a flying cross-body, but Jericho rolls through for a two count. Hey, Jon Tees just came online! I missed whatever Jericho hit, but he now hits a suplex and an elbow drop for a two count. Chris picks Jeff up, hits some punchery and choppery, shoots him to the ropes, misses a clothesline and Jeff hits a fulcrum tossing Chris outside. Jeff misses a baseball slide, both of them roll in the ring, and stare at each other lovingly. And just like in any good Soap Opera when they're about to get laid, we go to commerical.

Back, and Chris is in command. Jeff kicks out of a wishbone, then goes to the ropes. Chris hits a kneelift for a one count. Chris kind of kicks him around a little bit, then picks him up for some choppery. Woo! Baby! Shoots Jeff to the ropes and we have a double mid-air collision. JR's words, not mine. Everyone takes a nap. Everyone wakes up. Chris hits some punchery, but it's not enough to overcome Jeff's jumpery, as he hits a few flying forearms, then shoots Chris to the corner. Chris counters Jeff's charge with a boot and goes for the bulldog, but Jeff tosses him off and he crotches himself on the ropes. Jeff hits the swinging dropkick in the corner for two. Jeff shoots Chris to the ropes again, misses... something... and Chris hits a clothesline for a two count. Chris with some knees and forearms to the back. Y2J chant. Chris shoots Jeff to the corner, Jeff climbs up for the Whisper in the Wind, but Chris stops that. Chris goes up top, but Jeff elbows him off and hits the Whisper in the Wind for a two count. Jeff shoots Chris to the corner and goes for something, but Chris counters it into the Walls of Jericho. Jeff gets to the ropes to break it up. Chris with stompery. Chris goes to the ropes, but Jeff stops him and hits an inverted suplex. Jeff up top, misses the Swanton Bomb. Jericho to the ropes and hits the Lionsault for a two count. Chris grabs Jeff, but Jeff rolls him up with an inside cradle for a one count. Chris misses the enziguri, Jeff goes for the Twist of Fate, counters into the Walls, but Jeff rolls out, Chris goes to the ropes and hits a sunset flip for the three count. Good match, but it was pointless for Jeff to wrestle in it.

Let's replay everything.

Hornswaggle is DEVESTATED! Seriously. That's what they said.

Vince McMahon is backstage flexing in the mirror with a long sleeved shirt on. Moron.

Wrestlemania Commercial.

And go buy Red Hot Chilli Pepper's "Stadium Arcadia" album. Hey Yo is the official song of WM! Which doesn't fit the PPV at ALL!

FUCK. SEGEMENT TWO.

Out first is DEVESTATOR. He is Vince McMahon. Vince talks for 4 minutes, then JBL comes out and the two of them talk for another 10 minutes. I could care less.

HHH and Cena talk backstage. I assume when I had this muted that they became tag partners. Yep. They face Orton and Kennedy tonight. Yay.

Wrestlemania 24 Commercial.

THIRD MATCH!

Out first is LILLIANYOULOOKSOHOTABOOBYMAYA. He is Umaga. His opponent is SCREWED. He is DH Smith. Umaga charges in, and hits some kickery, tossing Smith outside. They DO mention he's related to Davey Boy Smith. Umaga tosses him back in, climbs the top and comes off, hitting the splash and yelling. Umaga hits the butt splash in the corner. Umaga goes for the Samoan Spike, it connects. Three count. Nice debut on RAW. Not.

Regal is backstage with Burchill and his sister. He calls Vicky Guerrero a Cheeky Cow. Apparently at Wrestlemania she wants someone from RAW to wrestle someone from Smackdown. Regal wants to send Umaga. Burchill then implies he'll pimp out his sister. o..k.

There's then a way too-long winded promo for ECW. Apparently Santino has some skanks mad at Maria for showing her boobies, so he's going to wrestle Kofi something and Kelly Kelly. Isn't Kelly Kelly a nudie girl too?

AYE CARUMBA! A FOURTH MATCH!

Out first is JESUS WOULDN'T JOB TO RIC FLAIR EITHER. He is Shawn Michaels. Already in the ring is I GOT NO ENTRANCE. Lance Cade. Lockup, side headlock by Shawn. Lance shoots him to the ropes and hits a shoulderblock. Cade with punchery. Cade with a backdrop suplex. Cover for one. Cade smashes Shawn into the corner, shoots him to the ropes and goes for a back body drop, but Michaels gets a backslide for one. Cade with a kick and a cover for one. Cade with a head wrench and some knees to the back. Shawn powers back out, and hits some punchery. Shawn with some Woo! Chops. More Woo! Chops. Shawn shoots him to the ropes and Cade hits a kick to the chest to take him down. Cade picks him up and shoots him to the corner. Cade charges in and eats a knee. Shawn with more Woo! Chops. Cade with a half nelson slam. Cade goes up top, misses the elbow drop. Shawn up top, HITS the elbow drop. Shawn tunes up the band. They play Poison. Murdoch on the apron, Shawn knocks him off, and then locks in the Figure Four on Cade. Murdoch in for the DQ. Cade and Murdoch put the boots to Shawn. Then stalk Shawn, who hits the Sweet Chin Music on Murdoch, then an atomic drop and Sweet Chin Music on Cade.

Michaels celebrates when out comes DON'T FORGET TO BRING A TOWEL. He is Ric Flair, and he gives Shawn a hanky. Nice guy. He challanges Shawn Michaels at Wrestlemania. This might put Shawn into the main event scene! /sarcasm. Shawn doesn't want to be the guy who ends Flair's career. Flair then is all "What do you mean you're gonna beat me?" And Shawn is all "WWJD?" I'll tell you what Jesus would do. He'd hit a super kick on Flair, strut in the ring, and then turn Jerry Lawler into Wine.

Shaqelle O'Niel then talks about Big Show and Meryweather. You know, Show DOES look in pretty good shape. For a Manbearpig.

Mike Adamle drops da bomb, yo. Peter Miava and Rocky Johnson. They're getting inducted by The Rock. Are they both still alive?

Maria says she's a small town girl. Isn't she billed as being from Chicago?

EL MAINO EVENTO

Out firt is KENNEDY... KENNE... WTF?. Mr. Kennedy has even gayer music. His partner is DORKBOY. He is Randy Orton. Their opponents are HOW COME I'M NOT LAST? THAT MUST MEAN I'M GETTING THE PINFALL OR PEDIGREE. He is HHH, and his partner is I DIDN'T SPEND 8 YEARS IN THUGANOTICS SCHOOL TO BE CALLED "MR.". He is John Cena. HHH and Cena argue who starts. Orton jumps Cena, and Kennedy jumps HHH. The "faces" get the upper hand and dump the heels, then start to take off their shirts and get real close as we go to commercial. I'll assume they did it.

We are back with Cena in control of Ken and tagging in HHH. Kennedy gets the upper hand, but HHH is Da Game, so he counters the punchery HHH hits a spinebuster, then shoves his penis towards Cena. Cena touches HHH and comes in. I'm going to write the rest of this like a romance novel. Cena places hits boots all over Kennedy, then Cena comes over to HHH and places his hand lovingly in front of his eyes. He likes it when they cannot see him... come. Heh. HHH then touches him gentley and comes in... the ring. HHH chops towards his nether regions, when Kennedy low blows him and now Orton is tagged in to fuck it all up. Orton just walks around HHH stomping on him, then looks at Cena. Cena's all "That's MY woman!" Orton with a knee drop for two. Tag in to Kennedy. Kennedy with kickery and stompery on HHH. Kennedy with a running kick to the face for a two count. Tag in to Orton. Orton with a headlock. Orton lets go and gets in Cena's grill while Kennedy accosts HHH. Orton with a DDT off the ropes on HHH. Cover for two. Tag in to Kennedy. Ken with some stompery. HHH to the corner, Kennedy shoots him to the opposite corner, then eats a boot on the charge. Everyone is asleep. HHH goes for the hot tag to Cena. Tag in to Orton. Orton with an inverted backbreaker, then does some girl push ups as HHH gets up, goes for the RKO but Orton shoves him off. HHH with the hot tag to Cena, Kennedy in. Cena with punchery. More punchery. Shoulderblock. Shoulderblock, scoops slam. Spinning backbreaker. All on Kennedy. Cena raises his hand, tells Kennedy that his vision is bad, and hits the fist drop. Cena goes fhr the FU, but Orton breaks it up. Cena goes down, HHH hits Orton, they go outside. Cena gets the STFU on Kennedy for the tap out. HHH stalks Cena from behind, but he turns around. No Pedigree. Cena and HHH chat for a bit. Kennedy comes up from behind Cena and hits the Mic Check. Kennedy bails. HHH just kind of stands there. Replay of what just happened. WHERE'S THE PEDIGREE?!?!?! PLAY KENNEDY'S MUSIC BECAUSE HE LOST! RAW IS OVER! GOODNIGHT EVERYBODY!

FINAL THOUGHTS: This was a much better show than before. Even with all the segments.