Rubbing it RAW - 2/4/08
DISCLAIMER!!!: The views expressed by this article, or any other article or recap done by myself, Triple B, is the views of solely myself. These do not neccessarily reflect the views of Roughkut.com, Roughkut himself, or any of the staff or mods here at Roughkut. All jokes I put in are soley my decision to put in, and any crapitude from said jokes is MY fault. Nobody elses.
BLOGGING IT UP:
INTRODUCTION:
Hey. The RAW Video package airs first for once? Give me an Ni and a Ce. John Cena is going to take his surgically repaired arm against the World's Strongest Man? O...k. Vince is going to make HS kiss his bare ass tonight too. Was this the incest angle they were talking about?
EL FIRSTO
Goddamnit. Already in the ring is DORKBOY. Randy Orton has a table, with the belt and red carpet and a couple of indy guys working for $25 and a spot at the buffet table holding bags. Maybe they work for Peapod.com. Orton is going to burn up some time here, so I'm going to go get a drink. Back. Orton wants that contract signed, and is able to work in "No Way Out" in his promo, which is a legal obligation of all WWE Champions after the Royal Rumble. I fast forward. NO! PAUSE IT! is John Cena. He comes out, sits in the chair and signs the contract. Orton says if Cena gets injured, they are still going to wrestle at No Way Out. Because he can medically clear wrestlers now. ROAST BEEF is Mark Henry, who now comes running down, and Orton hits the RKO on Cena. Henry... doesn't do a damn thing.
Stone Cold Steve Austin commercial. Buy his DVD, you broke MFers!
Commercial.
Orton and Henry are whispering sweet nothings to each other. Grisham comes out to ask why they set John Cena up. Orton tells him it wasn't him, it was Match.com. Cena has a nice profile, yo. Henry: "I'm going to enjoy ripping Cena's shoulder right out of the socket!" I don't remember much anatomy, but wouldn't he rip the ARM out of the socket?
EL FIRSTO MATCHO
Out first is SKANKY SKANKY. SHe is Kelly Kelly. Apparently on ECW last week she hit a move on Victoria. Then lost. And Victoria apparently has Gail Kim's twin and some other skank with her for some odd reason. Kelly's partner is CHEERLEADER EMO. SHe is Mickie James. Their opponent is THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE! and GLAMOUR GIRLS LIKE IT ROUGH. They are Victoria and Beth Phoenix. I am not sure if Kelly Kelly's crapitude will be overcome by Victoria's awesomeness. Hey! They start! Lockup, and a headlock takedown by Victoria. Kelly channels her porn life and wraps her legs around Victoria, then reverses that round into a backslide. Back up, and Kelly Kelly hits a rollup. Victoria kicks out at one, and then levels her with a clothesline, then does some hair pulling. Kelly Kelly kicks Victoria and tags in Mickie. Mickie with a punch and a headscissors, then a clothesline and a neckbreaker. Mickie up top, Beth hits the rope and Mickie kind of stumbles down. Tag in to Beth. Beth is on top of Mickie with a cover for two. Beth tries to pick Mickie up, but Mickie rolls her up with a small package for two, and to show off their things. Beth attempts a sidewalk slam, but Mickie locks in a guillitine. Beth shoves Mickie into the corner to again show off the thong. Here. Take a look.
If you like that sort of thing. Beth shoots Mickie to the corner, goes for it again, but Mickie knocks heads. Tag in to Victoria. Victoria full sprints over and knocks Kelly off the apron cause she's a skank. Mickie then hits a tornado DDT on Victoria for the three count. Who's emo NOW? There were more blown spots than you would see in Kelly Kelly's lockerroom after the show.
Regal belittles HS.
Commercial.
EL MATCHO SECONDO
Out first is WRASSLIN FOR JESUS. He is Shawn Michaels. Fuck... is this a match or a segment? Segment. Shawn then shows us what steroids does to a person.
Apparently he isn't happy with second place. He's putting everyone on notice. Convert or be damned in booking forever. Speaking of Fooorrreeevvverrrr.... Out comes EEvvvvverrrrr. He is Chris Jericho. Apparently he wants to win the Elimination Chamber too. Egads! This brings out DO A LITTLE DANCE, GET DOWN TONIGHT. He is Jeff Hardy. I know what Jeff will say, but what will Umaga say when he comes out? Jeff says some stuff, and out comes I'M GONNA CRASH YUR MARKETS, BOY. He is JBL. I would make Hangman jokes, but Spike Crow ruined them. JBL is still a good heel. JBL points out that Umaga doesn't speak English. Apparently he bought Umaga off. Which means AGGABABBAMONEYMONEYMONEY comes out. Umaga. PLEASE give him a mic. And why am I not surprised that HHH gets the last word? Umaga stares JBL down like he's going to touch him. Now out comes... SHIT. He is Snitsky. JBL is going to buy him a dentist? The crowd attempts a "Brush your teeth" chant, but can't do it. Gene says he wants one of their spots in the Elimination Chamber. The faces attack the heels, dumping them all out of the ring. Where's HHH? Regal comes out and books a six man tag match. Didn't see THAT one coming, eh?
LA RIBA LA RAZE, EL THIRDO MATCHO!
Out first is I'M STILL WORKING?. He is Super Crazy. His opponent is MR. DANGEROUS. He is Mr. Kennedy. Lockup, broken up. Kennedy hits a drop kick on SC. Kennedy with kickery, then goes to work on the leg. He continues the kickery, then hits a few knees. SC fights back with punchery, but Ken hits a drop toe hold, and then continues to wrench it in a couple times. Ken with a knee smash, then attempts a wishbone, but SC kicks him off. Ken gets the wishbone this time, drags SC to the corner and wraps his leg around the turnbuckle. Ken back in. Elbow drop on the knee. Leglock by Ken for a two count. SC gets an armbar, and kicks out, breaking them up. Ken goes for something, but SC goes for an ezinguri, but it misses and Ken gets an inverted Figure Four for the tap out. I sense Figure Four Vs. Evel Figure Four. Too bad for SC, but this was a pretty good way to play up Flair/Kennedy.
Ken has the mic. He tells everyone to be vewy vewy qwuite. He shows Flair Vs. MVP on Smackdown last week. MVP lost via DQ, then took out Ric's leg. To lunch. Kennedy the "hillariously" makes fun of Ric staggering around.
Elimination Chamber promo.
EL SO MANYO MATCHESO, THIS IS EL GOODO! NUMERO FOURO!
Thank you! Out first is NOBODYA GIVA MEA CHANCA. They are Carlito, Santino and Maria. Carlito gives her an apple. SHe doesn't have pockets, so she puts it in her coin purse.
I'll let that settle in for a minute.
Their opponents are I SEE LONDON, I SEE FRANCE. They are Brian Kendrick and Paul London. Carlito and Brian to start. Brian with kickery galore, shoots Carlito to the ropes and hits a dropkick for a one count. Brian with more punchery, goes to teh ropes, and Carlito shoves him off. Brian with a punch of shin kicks, then Carlito pushes him off, and Santino pulls the ropes and he's dumped outside. Santino is all "Whata?" then Paul chases him around the ring, while Santino screams "Woaha!" Meanwhile, while the two of them are doing laps, Carlito hits the Backstabber for the three count. Best. Match. Ever. Way to look after your tag partner, Paul London. You bitch.
Vince is backstage getting his ass waxes... with a buffing machine. Apparently he wants a dollup of ass cream. He checks in a mirror and... he has a professional ass buffer. Good Lord. I wish I was making this up. And we get to see it in HD! YES! wait... I mean... NO!
Commercial.
SEGMENTINO EL TWO-O!
Out first is ASSY MCASSINGTON. He is Vince McMahon. He talks for awhile, then THAT'S NO BLARNEY STONE!. He is HS. Vince talks for a bit, then takes down his pants in comical fashion. You hear someone in the crowd screaming "My eyes! My eyes!" Vince hikes up his briefs, and... I think Vince has been working out. His buttocks seem very muscular. HS teases doing it once. Twice. Three times. This brings out MY NAME IS FINLAY, AND I LIKE TO POUND ASS!. He is Finlay. ANd he's out to get McMahon to pull his pants up. Thanks Fit! Now he wants Finlay to kiss his ass too. T-Minus 1 minute to a low blow. So... HS bites his ass. It's ok. It was only a little bite. HIYO! Vince is amazed someone would take advantage. Finlay does a jig. Vince books himself against HS, and if Finlay interferes he's fired. That's good. I haven't ever seen this storyline before.
WRESTLEMANIAIS55DAYSAWAYOMGINEEDTICKETS!!!!
6 Man Tag-Team match tonight.
EL MATCHO FIVEO WAS HIS NAMEO
Out first is ALABAMA RHODE. That was a play off of Abbey Road. Jerks. Anyway, they are Hardcore Holly and Cody Rhodes. Their opponents are 2 DOLLAR STEAKS. They are Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch. Holly and Trevor start, but I completely missed it. Tag in to Cade, and he hits a Side Russian Leg Sweep on Holly for a couple of two counts. Lance is impressive. JR said so. Lance with some impressive elbows, then goes to the ropes. Holly hits a drop kick, and Lance hits an imperssive tag to Murdoch. Holly tags in Cody, who gets a shoulderblock on Murdoch, goes up top and hits an ax-handle drop, then a bulldog for two. Murdoch gets a jawbreaker, then goes to the ropes and eats a back body drop. Cody goes for a suplex, but Lance interferes, Holly dumps him, and Cody hits a DDT on Murdoch for the three count. Which brings out LORD AND SAVIOR-A. They are Santino and Carlito. They are the new #1 Contenders for the Tag-Team Titles. Santino: "Maybe you two can pose in balding men who has a little friend with a girly name magazine." I. Love. Santino. They save every segment they're in. Cody proves he isn't a little friend by getting Holly's belt and handing it to him.
Cena Vs. Henry in shit. Later.
Commercial.
WWE Divas was on Project Runway for something. All up in my eye. You gotta. We gotta. Getting jiggy wit it. Na na na na na. na na na na na na. Sorry... I was youtubing Will Smith. That was more entertaining that this dribble.
That's right. I said dribble.
No Way Out rundown. All two matches. Wait. 3 matches. Edge/Mysterio. Cena/Orton. Elimination Chamber. Flair/Kennedy. I guess 4 matches. Is that this Sunday or something? Wait. There's 2 Elimination Chamber matches in one night? So... the whole show will have 4 matches.
EL MAINO EVENTO
I am not counting a fucking arm wrestling match as the main event. In fact, anything with Mark Henry will NOT be my main event. I'll recap TNA main events first. Out first is WILL YOU BE MY PARTNER, SHAWN?. He is Jeff Hardy. His partner is GOD SAYS I CAN'T PARTNER WITH ANOTHER MAN. He is Shawn Michaels. Their partner is I SAVED YOU, SO YOU CAN PARTNER WITH OTHER MEN. He is Chris Jericho.
Commercial.
There's an ECW? Well... Chavo Guerrero apparently had a fiesta.
We are back, as JBL is now out. Snitsky came out during the commercial. if Vince won't give them an intro, I won't. Their partner is I ATE ZACH GOWAN'S LEG. He is Umaga. Umaga and Shawn start out. Chris gets the crowd to cheer his boyish looks. Umaga screams. Shawn chops him a few times, shoots him to the ropes, reversed. Shawn sunset flips over, Umaga blocks it and misses a butt slam. Shawn to the ropes for a clothesline and cover for one. Tag in to Chris. Chris with some arm wringery. Umaga tags in Gene. Gene goes to stompery. Punchery. Shoots Chris, reversed to teh corner. Gene gets an elbow, then misses a boot on the ropes. Chris with a springboard dropkick, tag in to Jeff. Chris gets down on all fours, in the ring ,not with his career. Jeff hits Whispers in the Wind. Gene comes out and hits a scoop slam and tags in JBL. JBL with stompery and fore-arm-ery. JBL puts Jeff in the corner and hits some punchery, then brings him out for... a punch. Picks him up. Jeff hits that springing flip kick, then his leg drop for a one count. Jeff to the ropes, and eats a shoulderblock. Tag in to shithead. Snitsky misses an elbow drop, tag in to Shawn. Shawn with chops and a running chop. Shawn kips up, and Gene clotheslines him down. Gene sizes him up, misses the boot again, Shawn trips him up and gets an Indian Death Lock, but Umaga breaks it up, then headbutts him. Umaga charges Shawn, but Shawn dumps him. Jericho in and dumps Snitsky. Jeff dumps JBL outside. All three of the faces then hit springboard planchas all at once. Nice visual.
Commercial.
We are back as Jericho and Snitsky are down in the ring. Gene is up first as we get a replay of JBL cheating. I'm shocked. Gene with a bodyslam and an elbow drop, bringing his successfull moves not involving a punch or kick to 2 for this match. Tag in to Umaga as the heels all lay into Jericho. Jeff and Shawn draw the ref away, trying to help. Umaga chops Chris down in the corner, then picks him up and gets a bear hug. Chris tries to elbow out, but Umaga hits a Samoan Drop. Umaga covers for two. Umaga now locks in another bear hug. Y2J chants start up, because people want computers to crash. Tag in to JBL. JBL hits 42 elbow drops, then buys Puerto Rico. JBL picks Chris up, Chris fights back with punchery, gets shot to the ropes and JBL hits a boot for a two count. Tag to Shitsky. Shitsky hits a stomp and locks in a bear hug. Ever notice how some moves are used by all of a certain type of wrestler in the WWE for a period, then they move on? Bear hugs. Piledrivers before they were outlawed. German Suplex. Poop. Etc. I missed something, but it was just Shitsky kicking. Tag in to Umaga. Umaga with headbutts and a kick. Chris exchanges Woo! Chops. Umaga stops that with a throat punch. Umaga goes to the corner, WAY too far away from Chris, and he jumps off, missing the splash from the top. Everyone is asleep. Ssh! Chris and Umaga are up, and Chris his an enziguri. That one toO! Everyone does that now. Tag in to Shitsky. Hot tag to Jeff. Jeff with a clothesline, flying forearm, ropes again, flying knee, to the ropes again, his the Whisper in the Wind, JBL is in and hits a boot. Jericho hits his knee drop thing, Umaga dumps Jericho. Shawn hits Sweet Chin Music on Umaga. Jeff hits the Twist of Fate and Swanton Bomb on Shitsky for the three count. And everyone who got him right in the "Which of these wrestlers doesn't belong" contest wins. Jeff goes to the top of the ramp and claps for himself like a moron. Replay of everyone hitting moves all over the place. That match could have been alot worse considering Shitsky was there.
Cena is WALKING!
Commercial.
Candice Michelle will come back with 20% more attitude, 40% more boobs, and 80% less clothing!
Next week, Hornswaggle Vs. Vince McMahon in a No DQ Match!
MAIN
Out first is BEST THING ABOUT THIS SEGMENT, MARGINALLY. He is John Cena. Recap of Orton hitting the RKO up earlier, and letting everyone else know he is a medical doctor. His "opponent" is BLACK SHITSKY. He is Mark Henry, and he is a useless gob. For the record, I detest the following wrestlers:
1. Mark Henry
2. Viscera
3. Gene Snitsky
4. Randy Orton
I use up my alloted use of F Bombs every month between those two.
John Cena earns 50 cool points with this line. Mark Henry: "Check the oil on his hands!" Cena: "Oil on my hands? You're the World's Strongest Man!" The ref yells at Henry. Why would Henry fear someone who is 1/3 his size and has a bum arm. Henry punches his arm, because he's seen that Stallone movie with the arm wrestling truckers. They finally lock hands. Henry takes over a little bit, but Cena makes a Constipated Face, and fights back. Back up to mid way, and he's going over a little bit. They continue to make poopy faces as Cena finally gets the arm over and then Randy Orton comes out. He's the Goddamn WORLD'S STRONGEST MAN! Cena fights off Orton, attempts the FU but Orton bails. Cena then hits the FU on Mark Henry instead. Give the man another 20 cool points. I'll regret that next week, methinks.
FINAL THOUGHTS: When is Mark Henry's 50 year contract up?