Smackdown Diary! #5

8:00:12 PM: For the first time in years I am able to bring you the Smackdown Diary how it's supposed to be! Live play by play while it's happening on TV! 2008 is starting off horrible but I still have my wrestling.


8:02:43 PM: Now in WWE HD, Smackdown is here! It's in the U of Virginia and might I mention it's 100% free of trans fat. We start off the show with Rey Messterio and he does his usually molestation of all the mask wearing kids as he makes his way to the ring.


8:05:13 PM: Curt Hawkins and Zach Ryder come out dressed like Edge with two of the stupidest names in the industry. Bunch of replays of the "Edge Saga". I think Hawkins and Ryder represent Edge during and after he started using steroids.


8:06:51 PM: The typical back and forth and I guess I missed that this was a handicap match somewhere. Rey is looking much like a Christmas ornament. in his all white gear. Edge peeks on from a monitor backstage.


8:08:19 PM: ISURIGI! The biggest small man, the biggest underdog, the life size action figure, bounces around the ring like a primate as usual. Nothing really standing out yet.


8:11:24 PM: Kind of funny how Coach and Cole blend in to the background. I can barely remember they are there. Rey brings a chair from somewhere while I wasn't paying attention and somehow won the match? Ah, on the replay Hawkins brings in a chair and Rey turns the tables.


8:12:06 PM: Commercial break!!!!!! WOOOOOOO!


8:15:53 PM: We return with Jessie and two large photos of Festus. One dumb and one ...dumb.


8:17:24 PM: Jessie explains that Fetus "goes off at the sound of a bell" and "needs help". So they took him to a shrink or something. Back to Jimmy Wang and Shannon Moore. Moore Wang. Ya know, these stupid phallic names that Vince gives his boys is getting lame.


8:18:07 PM: Deuce and Domino are the opponents and they start off the match with rest holding. How cute!


8:20:39 PM: Domino just showed Wang that he's not the only penis who can fly. He launches himself over the ropes and takes over the match.


8:23:12 PM: A little interference from Cherry and Deuce doesn't work, Wang kicks out, gets back up and does his perfect moon flip and wins the match!


8:24:58 PM: Coach just called Wang's moon flip "eloquent". Too bad Coach isn't. We go backstage to Noble and Palumbo bickering. They stop when McCool comes back.


8:25:07 PM: Ad break.


8:29:08 PM: Back to one of these wonderfully produced videos of WWE. This one is staring Jeff Hearty.


8:29:41 PM: It's now official. Jeff is getting a huge main event push. Thank you for breaking your titty John Cena!


8:32:40 PM: Palumbo comes out and I guess him and McCool made up for the week I was away. Jamie Noble follows with his own complete entrance theme as the tag team partner.


8:34:42 PM: John Morrison comes out to his own Baywatch thing. Cole reluctantly calls it "cool". Coach yaps something. The Miz comes out with something griding on his leg. It's Layla. I just don't understand how such a beautiful woman with such a luscious body can be so NOT SEXY. It's life's greatest mystery.


8:38:32 PM: Palumbo throws Noble off Miz after a hard tag. Noble confronts Palumbo while Layla gets creamed by McCool. McCool gets tossed off the apron and Noble attends to her. Palumbo looks very heel turnish while Noble screams for help. Palumbo attack Noble and I guess this is the heel turn? He drops him with his finish outside the ring and then clobbers a ref and goes back to pounding Noble while they cart McCool off on a stretcher. The fans "U SUK" chant makes this an official heel turn. We have witnessed history.


8:40:01 PM: Palumbo "accidentally" hits McCool who stands up to see what's going on. He kicks Noble for good measure and walks off looking kind of retarded. He goes back and kicks McCool's arm for some reason and this bit just lasted two minutes too long.


8:41:10 PM: Cole watches the replay and says "He snapped" which is super secret insider talk for we couldn't think of anything else to do with this guy but make him heel and see if it flies. Ad break.


8:47:04 PM: Back to MVP coming out in a suit. He comes out and reminds us that he's better than us.


8:49:51 PM: MVP makes a few zingers about Flair being old. Good photo shop jobs. Well, some of them are good.


8:51:55 PM: Flair comes out, too lazy to put on a whole suit. Flair says this gold ball chippin, shuffle board playin' nursin home resident isn't ready to go home. Unless they have pudding. Rice pudding. With shavings on top. Ad break.


8:57:38 PM: Hornswaggle comes out and must win by pinfall or submission. He's joined by Finlay who has some fancy new green and black boots. Khali comes out and gives a nice loud yawn and a big stretch. I guess he took a long nap backstage.


8:59:39 PM: Khali's translator tosses a chair in the ring and distracts him while Finlay hits him with the shalili...shalay...stick thing.


9:02:24 PM: I guess I'm confused. This match is a no DQ and I guess only Finlay is in it. Khali is dominant so far. Khali picks up Horny and Finlay goes bat ape shit beating the hell out of Khali.


9:03:54 PM: He busts Khali open and I don't think I've ever seen a man so big cringing and cowering on the floor. Finlay is still going nuts on Khali while Horny is in tears. Instead of winning the match, Finlay walks away forgetting this was a NO DQ.


9:04:29 PM: Well, that was a waste of time.


9:09:44 PM: Back to Vinny Mac thanking Finlay for taking care of his son. Horny reaches for Finlay like an infant as he is sent away by Vince.


9:10:58 PM: Batty comes out wearing what appears to be the same thing Flair was wearing. I wonder if they had a cat fight about that backstage.


9:12:23 PM: Batty is like the Fema of WWE. You want him to come save the day but when he comes out it's just a big disappointment. He's already putting me to sleep.


9:13:04 PM: I'm keeping myself awake by counting all the new veins creeping me out.


9:14:17 PM: Ad break


9:20:55 PM: We're back to a clip of Noble and Pauly and then Big Daddy Veeeee walks out to the ring.


9:22:20 PM: Taker takes his sweet time coming out to the ring.


9:24:49 PM: Taker got a nice sun burn down in death valley. Bad asses should wear sun block too. Vee stares at his hand then slaps Taker with it and dominates so far.


9:27:15 PM: They battle outside. I know this because Cole keeps saying "battle".


9:29:29 PM: OLD SKOOL! OLD SKOOL! Isn't it officially not old school when he still does it every week? The match has been fairly even thus far.


9:31:14 PM: Take puts on some sort of funky type of choke submission and BDV's mouth starts bleeding as he taps immediately. Not even the announcers know what the hell is going on.


9:34:39 PM: ad break.


9:49:38 PM: We're back with CM Punk vs. Edge.


9:52:37 PM: ad break... again


9:58:01 PM: Punk slips off the top rope for the 300th time and Edge takes advantage.


9:59:30 PM: Edge wins after a ton of back and forth. He pinned punk clean for a change.


10:00:27 PM: And that’s the show!