Rubbing it RAW - 1/21/08
DISCLAIMER!!!: The views expressed by this article, or any other article or recap done by myself, Triple B, is the views of solely myself. These do not neccessarily reflect the views of Roughkut.com, Roughkut himself, or any of the staff or mods here at Roughkut. All jokes I put in are soley my decision to put in, and any crapitude from said jokes is MY fault. Nobody elses.
BLOGGING IT UP: The last couple days have been rough. I got home after work late last night, about 1030PM, and there's a puddle of pee in the middle of the floor. The dog had an accident, and in the 2 hours that my wife was home, she couldn't clean it up. Because "she isn't cleaning up after him anymore." We think he's sick, because he's been doing it the last week or so, and he isn't normally like this. I got pissed off because she said that, when she could have very easily just said "I had a hard day today, it took me 2 hours to get home becaues of traffic, and I didn't feel like doing it. Could you please mop it up for me?" THAT would have been fine. This then resulted in a good 2 hour arguement, because I'm kind of sarcastic when I'm angry. Or happy. Or gassy. It all got worked out in the end, but it was a bad night. And then my daughter is teething, so this RAW was recapped over the last 2 days in roughly 10 minute groups.
INTRODUCTION:
Video to remind us it's MLK Day. No.. not Milk Day. Martin Luthor King day. I half expected them to show Ron Simmons yell out a "Damn" at the end. Video package of the Orton/Hardy feud and issues last week. New video package for RAW, and new set. This is in HD, bitches. You know, even my online video looks cleaner. And the new RAW set looks pretty sweet, in my opinion.
EL FIRSTO MATCHO
Out first is I SHAVED FOR HD!. He is Shawn Michaels. You can tell he shaved, but he apparently had a miracle and grew some more facial hair out to the ring. His opponent is I GOT NOTHING. He is Mr. Kennedy. HA! When he takes his shirt off, he throws it at the back of Shawn's head. Shawn then does what he always does with things shot at his head, he rubs it on his crotch and throws it to the crowd. Lockup, Ken with a wrist lock. Ken to the ropes, hits a shoulderblock on Shawn, goes back to the ropes, counters an arm drag and hits one of his own. Ken with an armbar, but Shawn reverses it into a front face lock. Ken flips out and gets a hammerlock on Shawn. Shawn takes his time getting out of it, because he likes Ken back there. You know... back... THERE. Shawn finally elbows out, Ken strolls away, Shawn goes to the ropes and hits a shoulderblock, avoids a leapfrog by Ken and hits a couple of single leg takeovers, into a headlock. Ken flips it around to a triangle hold, Shawn flips over for a cover, they bridge up, then bridge back around all over, with Shawn finally getting a two count. The crowd doesn't do the clapping of respect, because we're in Hampton, VA. Stupid Hamtonites. Ken just hits a shitload of knees, shoots Shawn to the ropes and Shawn hits a kick to the chest. Ken hits a reverse elbow for two. Ken yells at him, then hits some forearms to the face. Ken lets him up and hits a neckbreaker into a backbreaker, then mocks "HBK." Don't take Shawn's name in vain, Ken. He'll smite you. Shawn hits some punches, but Ken picks him up and goes back to teh backbreaker twice, then covers for a two count. Ken ripped out Shawn's hair. NO! HE NEEDS THAT! Even hairloss should job to HBK. Ken with repeated punchery and stompery. Shawn in the corner, takes Shawn out and smashes his head to the other corner. Shawn fights back out with chops, Ken puts the stop on that with punchery and goes for a suplex, but Shawn flips over and hits a swinging neck breaker. Everyone takes a nap. Everyone gets up as some old fat lady screams for Shawn.
Shawn with more Woo! Chops, Ken shoots him to the ropes and Shawn hits a shoulderblock and kips up. Shawn with punchery and the inverted atomic drop. Shawn with a scoop slam. Shwan goes up to the top rope, to be closer to God. He comes off with the elbow drop. Shawn tunes up the band, and goes for the Sweet Chin Music, but Ken bails outside. Shawn hits a springboard plancha.
Commercial.
We are back, as Ken is on the offense with stompery. I think the new RAW set looks sweet, myself. Ken with a running boot in the corner. It's devestating. Ask J.R. Ken covers for two. J.R. talks about the HD TV. Call me when they have 3D. Ken shoots Shawn to the corner, but he flips up, flips to his feet, flips over, flips Ken over with a clothesline, then flips out and flops on the mat. If Shawn Michaels ran for President, he'd lose because he's a Flip-Flopper. Something happened while they were replaying that, and Ken goes for the Mic Check, but Shawn stops it. Ken shoves him in the corner and hits a shoulderblock, then sets Shawn up top. Punchery. Ken goes up top, goes fhr the superplex, but Shawn tries to fight out. He goes again, and Shawn blocks it again. Shawn with punchery, shoves Ken off. Shawn is up, reaches for it and comes off for the elbow, but Ken gets his knees up. Shawn flip flops around, Ken picks him up and hits The Mic Check, quick cover for KICKOUT! Ken is busted open too, Shawn goes for the Sweet Chin Music, Ken ducks, Shawn goes for the Sharpshooter, Ken shoves him off, Shawn kips up and hits Sweet Chin Music for the three count.
That... was pretty decent, actually.
Randy Orton is backstage to ruin a good RAW so far. He's talking to someone on a couch. It's Vince. Vince wants him and Jeff to go out to the ring and shake Jeff's hand. Yeah... THAT'LL happen. Vince: "Randy, I know you're hurting all over.." Yeah. Being that bad hurts sometimes. I mean, we only have to watch or listen to him for a couple hours a week. He has to live with his crapitude 24/7.
Mysterio Vs. Edge at the RR.
EL SECONDO MATCHO
Out first is MOLLY HOLLY ON STEROIDS. She is Beth Phoenix. J.R. shills Skittles. Her opponent is JAILBIRD. She is Mickie James. Seriously. She looks like a jailbird. Or a girl from Naughty Office. Either or. Lockup, and Beth gets a wristlock. Mickie barrelwheels out of it and gets a hammerlock. Beth reverses it into a wristlock, then down to a knucklelock. Beth muscles Mickie down to a bridge, then hits a knee drop for a two count. Mickie gets her legs around Beth's head for a headscissors, but Beth stands up. Mickie punches twice, and Beth tosses her off her head. Mickie gets a kick to the midsection, tries to shoot Beth to the ropes, reversed, Mickie ducks a clothesline and hits a Lou Thesz Press for mounted punching. Mickie with a dropkick puts Beth in the corner. Mickie up top for more mounted punchery, but Beth reverses it. Mickie attempts a headscissors, but Beth tosses her on teh apron, then hits a shoulderblock to send her outside. Beth goes out, hits a shouldberblock again, and dumps Mickie in the ring for a one count. Beth channels Randy Orton and locks in a chin lock. Mickie somehow just stands up out of nowhere and rolls Beth up for two. Mickie and Beth flip around for kickery, and Mickie hits a weak elbow off the ropes, to the corner and hits the headscissors. Mickie hits a capture bulldog for a two cuont. Mickie kicks her to the midsection and channels a Hardy, by screaming like a moron before hitting her DDT, which Beth counters, hits her in the ropes, then hits the Fisherman's Suplex for the three count. Life Total - Beth Phoenix: 412, Mickie James: 0
Grisham and Triple H are backstage talking about how he stole my nickname. HHH talks about Royal Rumble winners winning the WWE Title at Wrestlemania.
JBL lynched Jericho, but he came up as a Jester.
Backstage, Brian Kendrick makes his once a year contractually obligated RAW appearance, by talking to Cody Rhodes about how he might be in the Royal Rumble. Hardcore Holly shows up and asks if Cody has his back tonight. He says sure, and this is the ensueing conversation:
CODY RHODES: Sure! At least you don't have to dress up as Carlito this week!
BRIAN KENDRICK: (makes raspberry)
HARDCORE HOLLY: What? You think that's cute?
CODY RHODES: Sure! I put a picture of it up on my MySpace!
HARDCORE HOLLY: Myspace? What the hell is a myspace?
BRIAN KENDRICK: Cooommme on Bob! The World Wide Web!
HARDCORE HOLLY: Look Brian, I know what the World Wide Web is, ok?
Which is followed by the single creepiest/best look Brian Kendrick has ever had, as he either wants to jump Holly's bone, or doesn't believe he knows what the Interweb is.
Best. Holly. Segment. Ever.
Apparently Randy Orton is taking on Jeff Hardy for the WWE Title at the Royal Rumble. Wait, it's this Sunday? Well, here's a video package.
A fucking Handshake gets it's own graphic.
Finlay and HS are WALKING!
Commercial
LA RIBA LA RAZE, EL THIRDO MATCHO!
Out first is THE GREEN MEANIE and LITTLE DADDY H. They are Fit Finlay and Hornswaggle. Their opponents are I NEVER GET THESE TWO'S NAME RIGHT. They are The Highlanders. Rory and... Robbie maybe? Damnit. Anyway, I love Fit Finlay. He starts out with Robbie maybe. Finlay just slaps the shit out of all of them, hits a cannonball for two. Rory hits Finlay from behind, and Robbie clotheslines Finlay. Robbie grabs HS, who bites him. HS slides under Robbie, and under Fit who clotheslines Robbie back down. HS hits a dropkick on Rory, Finlay hits a DVD on Robbie, tag in to HS, who hits the Tadpole Splash for the three count. They then toss Rory out of the ring. Apparently my Grandfather and a Midget are better than The Highlanders, two guys who weigh themselves with stones. Fucking STONES.
HS and Finlay do jigs in the ring.
Jericho is WALKING... to the mid-card.
Commerical.
JBL/Jericho video package. What the hell? They show a guy smiling as JBL Lynches Jericho. That guy is obviously an insane cop.
You know, The Royal Rumble is actually booked and promoted pretty good this year. Just saying.
SEGEMENTINO
Seriously. Sweet looking Titantron. Out first is CHOKEARTIST. He is Chris Jericho, and he's wearing that swank wallet chain that all the 14 year old sk8er bois wear. He then talks about whatever he said for 6 minutes and 28 seconds and leaves. Dud.
JBL/Jericho at the RR! Flair/MVP at the RR! RR at the RR! Edge/Mysterio at the RR! Orton/Hardy at the RR! $10 hot dogs at the RR!
Jeff Hardy is backstage, staring into space. Give him a drug test. No... Vince is there too. Telling him to go shake Randy's hand. Because... handshakes increase PPV Buys?
Wrestlemania Commercial
Triple H's
EL SO MANYO MATCHESO, THIS IS EL GOODO! NUMERO FOURO!
AYE CARUMBA! A FIFTH MATCH!
Out first is TWO GIRLS, FLIPPY CUP. He is Brian Kendrick. Regal is on the screen, apparently booking whoever his opponent is. Khali maybe? I have this on mute now, so I have no idea what people are saying. I like it better that way. Nope. Wrong non-English speaking monster. OOGABAGGABOKKOBOOYAH!. He is Umaga. Brian runs at him like a fucktard, and Umaga clotheslines him down. Umaga with punchery, now choppery. Gimmie a nerve pinch! Umaga tosses Brian in teh corner, and misses the splash. When it doesn't work against a guy who wears an opera mask, time to shelf that move. Brian with kickery, but Umaga catches a foot, flips him in mid-air and chops him down. Umaga picks him up and puts him in the Tree of Woe. Umaga to the ropes, and misses another splash. Idiot. Brian up top, kicks him in the head and hits a missle drop kick. Brian with a running clothesline, then a running shin kick, another, to the ropes, Umaga flips him up and hits a Samoan Drop. Umaga yells, then hints he's going to sneak up on him, and put a finger in his bum. South Park Reference #1. Umaga picks him up, and just hits the Samoan Spike mid-air and covers for the three count. Speaking of Three Count, where's Shane Helms?
Replay of the end of the "match."
Backstage, Mickie James is emo. Maria comes up to cheer her up. There's no crying in wrestling!!! Maria tells her it'll be ok. Ashley then shows up with her shitty hair and tries to get Maria to do porn. Seriously. Mickie runs off to go "change." Before Maria can be explained what Dirty Sanchez is, Santino shows up and says "Why buy the cow when you have someone who milks you for free?"
Santino = Ratings.
Vince McMahon will be on Celebrity Apprentice. How come John Cena didn't get on it?
Jeff Hardy video.
They shake hands TONIGHT!
Edge helped Chavo Guerrero win the ECW Title.
EL SIXITO MATCHO!
Out first is NO COW? DAT'S NOT COOL. He is Carlito, with Santino and Maria in tow. Recap of Carlito losing to Holly a few weeks ago. Or was that last week? If this ends in Santino and Carlito winning the Tag Titles, I'm fine with it. His opponent is MY BIONIC ARM HAS NO INTERWEB ACCESS. He is Hardcore Holly. They jaw at each other, circle and lock up. Holly with a headlock. Shoved off by Carlito, but Carlito eats a shoulderblock. Holly to the ropes, Carlito tries a hip toss, blocked and Holly hits his own. Holly hits a full nelson slam for two. Carlito up in the corner. Holly hits some chops and shoots him to the corner. Carlito catches him with a boot and a clothesline for a two count. Carlito with some punchery on Holly in the corner, stompery. Carlito pulls him out, shoots him to the ropes and hits a back elbow for a two count. Carlito with some ax-handle punches, then a chinlock. Holly powers up, hits some punches and gets Carlito in the corner. Just like in the shower room. Holly with a suplex and a cover for two. Carlito rolls to the apron and hits a jawbreaker on Holly, just like in the shower room, for two. Carlito with a chicken bone as Holly powers up. Holly with some knees, punchery, shoots Carlito to the ropes and hits a clothesline. Holly shoots Carlito again and hits a back body drop. Holly waves his arms around like a moron, then hits his lowblow on the ropes. Holly goes for the Alabama Slamma, but Santino is on the apron. Holly drops Carlito, and Carlito capitolizes, hitting the Back Stabber for the three count.
Ok... RAW's typically in 5 parts... this HAS to be over soon, right? RIGHT?!?!??!!?
EL MAINO EVENTO
Out first is CASTLE GREYSKULL. He has Tha Powa! Now comes out BLOODY TWIT. He is William Regal. He books whoever Triple H is facing. They already used one monster, so... Khali. Or one of the ECW fat asses. Out comes CRAP. He is Gene Snitsky. HHH is all over him, because like us, he hates ugly people. HHH with a running knee, then tries to dump Snitsky over the top rope. I... assume this is a Battle Royal of some sort. It's still on mute. I got kids and dogs sleeping! SNitsky hits a sidewalk slam and an elbow drop, then picks HHH up and tries to toss him over the top rope. HHH holds on, falls on his feet, and goes for punchery. Snitsky goes for the running boot, but gets crotches on the ropes. HHH tries to clothesline him over, but he doesn't go. HHH hits another clothesline and Snitsky is gone. Out next is SEXUAL CRAP. He is Mark Henry. He oozes and slimes down the ramp into the ring. HHH with punchery. HHH with a jawbreaker, Henry hits a clothesline. Henry tries to dump HHH over the top, but he holds on. HHH fights back, gets back in the ring, and hits some more punchery. Recap of the clothesline. Henry with a powerslam into a backbreaker. Henry picks HHH up and tosses him over the top rope, but he holds on, not falling. HHH powers back up. HHH > World's Strongest Man. Henry shoots HHH to the corner, but misses the splash. HHH tries to pick Henry up, but Henry falls on top of him, because he weighs too much. Henry stalks HHH, hits the splash in the corner, and HHH is down. Where the hell is Battle Cat? Henry stalks him again, and HHH pulls down the top rope and he goes right over the top rope, gone. Who's next? MEE!!!!!. Out comes William Regal. He takes of tha jacket! Oh noes! Regal with punchery all over, picks HHH up and tries to dump him, but HHH holds onto the ropes again. HHH powers back in, punches Regal once and hits a spinebuster. HHH picks Regal up and dumps him over the top rope. Anyone else? I thought Regal was about to waive someone else on? Apparently not. HHH flexes. This isn't a Muscle Magazine Photoshoot. Regal is screaming for some reason. Dude, even Eugene knew you weren't going to eliminate him. Recap of HHH's greatness of eliminating 2 horrible jobbers, and William Regal, who hasn't won a match since 1973.
Hardy and Orton are WALKING!
Shit... there's a part SIX?!?!?!?
Video recap of what happened last week. 12:18 left in this show.
EL MAINO SEGMENTO
Out first is DR.ANGUS SAYS TO POWERWALK!. He is Vince McMahon. Nobody has a clue what the Angus Invitational is/was. Thankfully, this will be a short recap section for me, because I don't recap what people say, unless it's Hardcore Holly discovering the Interweb. Out next is DORKBOY. He is Randy Orton. Out next is I'LL BE WRESTLING CARLITO AT WRESTLEMANIA FOR A TUNA SANDWHICH. He is Jeff Hardy. I think it would be a great thing if Jeff won the belt Sunday, but I don't think it'll happen. The two men stare each other down for the next 5 minutes, building all the sexual tension. Jeff goes out in the crowd to say the names of people who paid for tickets. He comes back in the ring, Randy offers his hand, Jeff takes it and... is there someone in the crowd dressed up as a banana? And someone is dressed up as IRS? WTF?
Honestly. Is this Dress up like a Moron Day? Randy Orton does that EVERY day! ATHANKYOUVERYMUCH! Jeff hits the Twist of Fate on Orton, because that's what good faces do. That ends our show.
FINAL THOUGHTS: They need to do a segment next week where Brian Kendrick is showing Hardcore Holly Wrestling Internet sites, and he freaks out that people talk shit about him. Then, for the next weeks, he goes on a rampage beating people off the street up, thinking that their that "Damn Blogger!"