Smackdown Diary!

I used to write the recap "live" doing a written play-by-play but since I am a grown up now, I have to do it via DVR. So the diary form remains, but it's not live anymore.


12:14:55 AM - Now that I've thoroughly bored you with the intro, let's get to the show!


1:23:25 AM - It's Saturday, I got my six pack and my ol' cigar and that means it's time for a re-birth of the Smackdown Diary.


1:27:03 AM - We open the show with the standard cartoon depictions of wrestlers- a montage of clips that "creative" thinks are cool. The Cole starts speaking in his unusually immature voice while Edge interrupts to make us emotionally and physically sick with his new "love of his life".


1:28:26 AM - Vickie Guerororooror is rolled out in a wheel chair by Teddy who isn't happy about it. She's wearing a mini skirt and her legs are dangerously positioned to make the arena puke in unison.


1:31:26 AM - After a long and poorly memorized script about how much she's in pain, Vickie sends Edge immediately to the ring to face an unknown opponent.


1:33:57 AM - The opponent turns out to be Smackdown's number one announcer, Funaki! Funaki shows off his adult bloomers and gets a slap to the face by Edge. Funaki returns the favor and shows Edge that he's not just any jobber. He gets to hit back.


1:35:16 AM - Funaki gives an impressive showing for about 30 seconds. Then the true nature of the squash match shines through. Edge takes over and launches a spear and the match is over already.


1:35:21 AM - Edge wins.


1:36:22 AM - Edge tucks in his spare tire flab and runs back to his elderly widow.


1:37:37 AM - She announces that Batista will be in a last man standing match later. Then Taker will take on Mark Henry and Big Daddy VEEEE in a handicap match. Fat people are legally handicapped. She then demands that Teddy, who is now her slave for some reason to roll her ample ass backstage. Hit the ads.


1:38:53 AM - I'm f'n out of beer!!


1:42:31 AM - We're back from the ads break and Michelle McCool hits the ring to a standing ovation of canned pop.


1:43:27 AM - We get to re-live Paulumbo getting his ass handed to him 3 times by Noble. Paulmbo throws random things around the back.


1:44:25 AM - Kelly x2 comes out to a bigger can of pop. Looking pretty damn good for a blow up doll. Victoria follows with her boy toy, Dykstra.


1:45:09 AM - Layla comes out doing everything poorly as usual. She's looking pretty good for a completely sexless diva.


1:46:18 AM - Nice display of "atheletism" from McCool. Lots of flippty crap to keep people from going to get hot dogs. Kelly x2 adjusts her diaper and gets tagged in the match and gets flattened a few times.


1:48:32 AM - A few tags exchange, because this is a tag match. McCool is obviously the only diva that paid attention in wrestler class. Paulumbo comes out driving his motorcycle to the ring and distracts McCool for the loss.


1:48:43 AM - The team of Layla and Victoria wins.


1:49:03 AM - Roll the ads.


1:54:37 AM - We're back to McCool complaining about her loss and Pauly Shore's evil cousin faking anger and punching stuff.


1:55:35 AM - Back to the booth with MVP who is a guest announcer? Cole and MVP banter about Rey Mysterious until he comes up, still lacking the eject ramp that made him tolerable.


1:57:33 AM - Rey molests all the young fans wearing his mask and take a long time getting in the ring doing it. Stare down with MVP and some random sponsor plugs. Rey looking pretty in his lavender pants.


1:58:06 AM - Kenny comes back out again looking very fannish. He practices his custom pose as the bell rings.


2:00:04 AM - Lots of quick paced flippity stuff. A little back and forth with the two grapplers. Kenny works on the arm of Rey.


2:00:57 AM - Lovely display of choreography and Rey sets up the 619 and executes.


2:01:03 AM - Rey for the win.


2:01:23 AM - MVP jumps into the ring to "congratulate" Rey. Rey looks like he wants to eat tacos.


2:02:03 AM - MVP offers Rey his belt to hold. Rey pauses and tosses the belt back reminding MVP that he's been a WORLD champ, not this stupid TV title.


2:03:21 AM - MVP offers a handshake. Rey passes. MVP tricks Rey by saying "look up!" Rey falls for it and gets hit with the title. Meaning Rey will win that title if my wrestling myth proves true.


2:04:02 AM - Anyone hit with a title, will win that title soon enough. [/myth] Roll the commercials.


2:04:25 AM - Same got-damn commercials over and over and over.


2:06:49 AM - They are even repeating the same commercials IN the same break.


2:08:50 AM - We're back. Bell rings already. Last man standing match. Justin Roberts announces that the only way to win is to not be dead. Kane comes out and lifts his gut over the top rope then makes napalms come out of the ring posts.


2:09:42 AM - Batista's music hits. YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. His pretends to be shooting machine guns along with his pyros. He's already sweating and tired.


2:10:21 AM - Kane looks disgusted by Batista's sweat and they stare each other down over the hygenic problem.


2:11:10 AM - JBL announces the importance of the match... repeatedly. The ONLY way to win is that you opponent can NOT GET IT UP. I think.


2:11:51 AM - Lots of pushing, body slamming and rest holding ensues. JBL repeats the purpose of the match again.


2:12:41 AM - Kane launches the 3rd out of his 4 move arsenal. Then the 4th. Batista stands back up? NOW WHAT?


2:13:24 AM - Batista uses the 5th out of his 6 moves. They agree to rinse and repeat.


2:13:56 AM - Lots of rest holding after 4 minutes of HARD WORK!


2:14:29 AM - Batista gets the idea of doing his 6 moves from the top rope.


2:15:16 AM - SUPERPLEX!! Michael Cole wakes up.


2:16:03 AM - Ref counts because both men are always hurt after a superplex. The two men get up and crash into each other again and the same commercials return.


2:20:01 AM - We're back! Kane tosses Batty over the top. Kane takes a quick cigarette break as the ref counts. Kane looks for the ring for a while to slam Battys head into it.


2:20:36 AM - I hate last man standing matches. It's the worst excuse for two men to rest for 15 minutes.


2:21:40 AM - The ref counts. After some back and forth. Kane still has the upper hand. Kane goes for a chair. Batty spears. Ref counts.


2:22:22 AM - Punch, punch, punch. For a twist. PUNCH!


2:22:50 AM - More counting. I'm punching myself in the face to stay awake.


2:23:09 AM - Kane hits Batty with a monitor, more counting.


2:23:37 AM - Kane gets frustrated and farts loudly! You can hear it!


2:24:10 AM - He rips apart the announcer booth, stands on it, grabs and mic and bends over to fart loudly into the mic!


2:26:07 AM - Kane goes for the choke slam! batty fights. They fail to break the booth. So Edge runs out and bites the entire front row with his massive overbite. Kane was slammed through the booth, so he fails to stand for the 10 count and loses. We all know how powerful the announcer booth is. Ballgame! Kane loses.


2:26:37 AM - Batty for the win.


2:27:03 AM - Hit the ads.


2:30:08 AM - I'm f'n sleepy. Smackdown has turned into Monday Nyquil. So I'm taking a break for a while. Hey... it's on DVR. Who cares?


2:34:13 AM - Good god!


9:51:38 PM - After a longer than I expected break, we're back to Smackdown bashing! Don't worry. Next time will be just as late and unprofessional as this one. So I wouldn't depend on this column for your weekly recaps.


9:53:09 PM - Cole reminds us we're in Boston. Replay of Kane getting put through the BOOTH OF DOOM! and JBL staying pretty quiet for a change.


9:54:28 PM - Edge and his new love chat it up and set up a date backstage. Edge grovels and then demands that Teddy do the work for him. So we have a theme now. Teddy doesn't like slavery.


9:54:51 PM - More making out and back to more sponsor ads.


9:56:31 PM - The wife is requiring me to "cuddle". Which means I sit there while she watches "the L word" until she falls asleep. I guess I'll be taking another break soon.


9:59:13 PM - BISCUITS AND GRAVAY! Uncle Festus hits the ring and guess what? ANOTHER COMMERCIAL BREAK!


10:00:17 PM - Maybe we'll get 2 minutes of Smackdown between the commercial ads? One can only hope.


10:04:18 PM - I know you're thinking "why doesn't he just fast forward the damn ads?" But my DVR is screwed up so it's hard to fast forward without going back and forth. Back to SD! The Miz struts down to the ring with his bitch, Morrison.


10:06:00 PM - Get ready to watch Festus "transform" when the bell rings! Ahhhhhh... Fester takes control of the match and does 14 moves that requires both of his arms lifting in the air. Miz chops down Festus quickly and gets an upper hand.


10:06:53 PM - Michael Cole said he's a blue collar type of guy. JBL argues against it. Yeah, Cole is blue collar when he wears a blue button up and tie.


10:07:59 PM - Festus powers down? After he wraps up a quick win.


10:08:42 PM - Teddy walks down to the ring. Looking very aggravated mind you He's been asked to read something.


10:09:32 PM - "The next match will have the 800 pound 9 foot tall Great Khali vs. Hornswaggle" again. Teddy dies a little bit inside and walks backstage.


10:09:49 PM - More sweet, sexy commercials. Of the same exact shit.


10:12:26 PM - I'm gonna fast forward anyways. >>> Hornswaggle waddles down to the ring looking adorable as usual. Khali isn't too far behind.


10:14:57 PM - Finlay comes out much to everyone’s surprise. He even gets an entrance song! He goes right up to Khali and hits him with the Shalayli and goes to work! Gupti or whomever Singh grabs Horny and threatens to I guess hit him with the microphone. Finlay charges and knocks him out and Khali has time to get up and take down Finlay.


10:15:44 PM - SLOW CHOP! DUBBLE CHOKESLAM! Did Khali just win?? I have no idea what the hell is going on here. ....Cuddle time. BBL.


10:22:03 PM - She literally was watching "The L word". Screw that mess. Back to finishing this week long recap.


10:24:33 PM - The commercials are literally longer than the show spots.


10:27:33 PM - Ok, >>> Back to Smackdown. By the way, >>> means I got tired and fast forwarded even though the function sucks. We greet McCool and Kelly x2 in the hall looking like they are going to make my night and do the nasty. McCool find flowers backstage and Noble takes the credit. He gets angry about her black eye and just like me can't take his eyes off her waxed up boobies.


10:29:14 PM - Noble goes on and on about the date. Filler. Back to Cole and JBL who is looking uncomfortable in his chair. They plug Raw with Jerry Co and Orton and seem to be desperately trying to fill this two hour time slot with so little talent.


10:32:00 PM - Anyone care to add up the time for how much actual SHOW there has been? >>> Big Daddy V walks out to the ring. I don't understand why it's legal for men with breasts that humongous to go around shirtless. He's followed by Mark Henry who always seems to be arguing with the fans. His music makes me laugh. "Somebody gone get dey ass kick--- beat 'em up beat 'em up".


10:33:36 PM - OH NOES! TAKER MAKES THE ROOM DARK! SMOKE. FEAR! LIGHTENING! He happens to have some nice cleavage himself. He takes 14 minutes to walk to the ring. Mark Henry falls asleep while waiting. Wait. His eyes are just too fat to stay open.


10:36:54 PM - Taker takes a fight stance looking much like the cowardly lion. H&V take action and start pounding on Taker with their arm flab in the corner. Oh the humanity! Taker fights back while Daddy V is distracted by a hot dog in the crowd. He drags Mark and leg drops him on the apron.


10:39:18 PM - Cole goes on about the "resilience" of Taker. But what can he do? He's in the fattest Oreo cookie in history! Daddy V does a Samoan drop. Mark takes a break. Take has a little fight left in him. I think JBL gave up his announcing. Without Cole asking "what does dis move do?" JBL has nothing.


10:41:14 PM - Boy, lots of slow moving and rest holding. Take fights again, manages to escape. Does some punching and chokeslams Henry for the win??? Wow, two WTF matches in a row.


10:41:20 PM - Taker for the win.


10:43:39 PM - V isn't happy. So he pounds all 150 pounds of arm down on Taker and again Taker fights. But he goes down anyway. The two giants take turns doing Taker like a hotel bed. This shit has got to hurt. Double torture rack on Taker! Probably feels like a water bed up there. Edge comes in to pick the bones. He must think he won another money in the bank.


10:45:05 PM - Edge mocks Taker's eye rolling. I'm rolling my eyes at this "main event". My DVR shuts off and that's the end of the show for me! Hope you enjoyed reading this recap. I plan on next week's episode to be a lot closer to Friday.



Cheerio ~ Kut