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| News may contain some adult language. | Sponsors | |
 Advertise cheap: [Click here] Date: 30 Jan 2008 - Author: Triple B - Category: News - Views: 403 
It was RAW! It was... well. Really kind of crappy. 2 Diva matches? TWO?!?!?!? What in the blue hell does that do? It doesn't produce RATINGS! Santino = Ratings. Well... at least the World Tag-Team Champions show up on RAW now. DISCLAIMER!!!: The views expressed by this article, or any other article or recap done by myself, Triple B, is the views of solely myself. These do not neccessarily reflect the views of Roughkut.com, Roughkut himself, or any of the staff or mods here at Roughkut. All jokes I put in are soley my decision to put in, and any crapitude from said jokes is MY fault. Nobody elses. BLOGGING IT UP: They're going to fire my boss and give me her job. At least they waited until after Christmas.  INTRODUCTION: Shit went down at the Rumble. Royally. And that's it. FORGET all the other MATCHES that went down. EL FIRSTO Speaking of shit. SPINNAS, BITCH!. He is John Cena, and he won the Royal Rumble. Cena: "Ladies and gentlemen, I am here tonight to answer a question that has been on everybody's mind?" If he makes a Geico joke I'm turning this off. Cena Sucks chant after the showed an 11 year old girl in the crowd promising her panties to Cena. He turned her down. Orton's eyebrows went up. The two idiots talk like big boys for awhile. Why are they idiots? Because John Cena told Orton that it would be stupid for Orton to wait and face him until Wrestlemania for the title, because it would get Cena more time to heal and get in shape. So... Orton then says he'll face Cena at No Way Out. Unless he'd like to wait until Wrestlemania. I'll let that sink in a moment. Thankfully, he calls Randy Orton a dumb bastard. They then crap up another 5 minutes, of which I fast forward. I can't take this anymore. Commercials. EL FIRSTO MATCHO Out first is SURVIVED HUGH HEFFNER. She is Ashley with REALLY stupid hair. Her partner is EMO. She is Mickie James. She's smiling. For now. Their opponents are BEST. MUSIC. EVER. She is Jillian Hall. Her partner is LILLIAN FORGOT MY NAME. She is Beth Phoenix. Seriously... Lillian paused like she had to read the fucking cue card. I still think that Beth Phoenix is a good looking woman. Even if she could pop my head off with her thighs. Mickie and Hall start out, flip around, Mickie to the ropes, his a dropkick for a two count. JR tells us that Mickie studied Violin. Is there a friggin talent contest later? Ashley's talent involves kilbasa. Tag in to Beth, of which Mickie gets all "O You!" and hits punchery galore. It does nothing. Beth hits a sidewalk slam for two. Tag in to Hall. Hall with punchery, shoots Mickie to the corner, Mickie his the headscissors, tag in to Beth. Beth picks Mickie up for a fireman's carry. Mickie hits a rollup for a two count. Both back up, Mickie hits a neckbreaker for two. Mickie goes for that screaming DDT move that she never hits. Hall is in. Mickie gets a head scissors on Hall. Beth then shitkicks Mickie and hits the Fisherman's Suplex for the three count. Ashley literally takes a step in the ring to break it up, and stands there like a moron. Mickie now looks all emo. Ashley looks retarded. She didn't even get in the ring. I hate this division so much right now. Regal and Vince are backstage, talking about "That Match." Regal is now going to come out and announce that match will be at No Way Out. And the winner will face the champ at Wrestlemania. It rhymes with Bamber. Commercial. We are back with TOUNGUE TIED. He is William Regal, and he screws up a line, and goes "BABABUDABA." to cover it up. Seriously. It's an Elimination Chamber Match. Video package showing clips of an Elimination Chamber, with no words. Regal now tells us how the match works, because apparently we're all stupid. Why couldn't they have had voice over with that info? He then announces the participants of the match, with generic rock music that is probably No Way Out's theme. Umaga, Shawn Michaels, Jericho, JBL, Hardy and HHH are all in it. The crowd is pretty apathetic to everyone except Hardy and HHH. They should have pulled the gun at the Royal Rumble, but oh well. They now introduce some new announcer, introducing matches later tonight. HHH/??? Vs. Umaga/Snitsky. Hardy/Jericho Vs. JBL/Orton. Gee... I wonder what person HHH would tag with that he would trust to tag with that has an H... maybe a B. Perhaps a K. Oh, and could do crotch chops and wear winter hats over his receeding hairline. Hmmm... EL SECONDO MATCHO Out first is WORLD HUNGER, DAT'S NOT COOL. He is Carlito, with Maria and Santino in tow. His opponent is NUMBER 23!!! NO!!!. He is Cody Rhodes with Hardcore Holly. Carlito shoots Cody to the corner, who floats over him and hits an armdrag takedown and gets a standing wristlock. Carlito powers out and hits punchery. He hits a chop and mocks Holly, Cody reverses and hits his own, shoots Carlito the corner and rolls him up for a one count. Carlito tries to block something Cody does, who rolls through and gets another wrist lock. Rope break. Cody with a wristlock takedown into a leg drop and another wrist lock. What's with all the wrist locks? Carlito breaks it up, shoots Cody to the ropes, then is dumped to the apron by Cody. Cody hits a drop kick taking Carlito off the apron. Cody goes outside and tosses him back in. Santino is on the apron, draws Holly away, Cody turns his back and Carlito hits the Backstabber for the three count. Well, at least he's not losing to midgets anymore. HHH and Shawn Michaels are backstage wearing hats. Shawn says if they're going to be partners, they need a wardrobe change. HHH takes off his jacket and changes his hat for D-X mech. Shawn runs off camera and comes back naked. No... wearing a D-X shirt and a D-X winter hat over his eyes. HHH: "Man, those WWE Shop guys deliver fast!" Did you see that! D-X! FOR ONE NIGHT ONLY! OHMYGOD! EL MATCHO THREEO Out first is OHMYGODITSDXTHEYNEVERARETOGETHERAGAINITHINKIJUSTPEEDALITTLENOIDROPPEDMYROOTBEER!. They are D-X. I am not impressed. It sounds like Lillian introduces them as "Two sick birds." Maybe it's just me. King says the inevitable "D-X reunion!" line. They fucking tag every 3 weeks. That's not a reunion. That's a get together. People dating don't get together as often as D-X does. The only thing I like about D-X is that Shawn runs around HHH like an idiot a few times. I find that comical. They do the "Let's get ready to Suck It!" line, of which the camera then cuts to this lady:  Yeah. She knows. I was going to make a joke about how saying "Suck It" isn't very Christian, but APPARENTLY Shawn Michaels says "And if you're not down with that, he's got 2 words for ya.." Nice. HHH is the sinner. Their opponents are OGGITYBOOGITYBOO!. He is Umaga. His partner is SCARY MUSIC, SCARY FACE, SCARY TEETH. He is Snitsky. Gene and HHH start. There's La Parka in the front row. HHH and Gene go to lock up, but HHH walks away, grabs a mic and asks for a tooth brush. "Brush Your Teeth" chant. Gene hits some kickery, shoots HHH to the corner ,but HHH comes out with a running boot. Tag in to Shawn. Shawn with an ax-handle drop, and an elbow, tag in to HHH. HHH with a wristlock, Gene powers out and hits a scoop slam. Gene misses the elbow drop, tag in to Shawn. Shawn with some Woo! Chops, to the ropes, hits a flying forearm, kips up and hits Umaga. Shawn up top, Umaga kicks him in the face sending him outside. HHH checks on Shawn, not allowing Umaga or Snitsky to attack. He backs off. Gene comes out and tosses Shawn in. Bear hug on Shawn. Shawn shaved? It must be Passover or something. Gene lets him go, and Shawn hits a few Woo! Chops. Umaga shouts AGGAABOOBOONADDA and Gene gets the Bear Hug again. Gene lets him go again, Umaga chokes Shawn, then Gene chokes Shawn with a boot. Tag in to Umaga. Umaga with the... EGADS! Nerve Pinch. Umaga lets Shawn up and gets his own Bear Hug. Dualing Bear Hugs, baby! This match is on FIRAH! Commercial. Back, as Shawn is in the tree of woe. Umaga hits a splash, then some kickery. Cover for two. Umaga picks Shawn up, hits a head butt and tags in Gene. Gene back to the Bear Hug. Shawn fights out, punchery, choppery, runs at HHH, Gene picks him up and shoves him in the corner, kickery, tag in to Umaga. Umaga goes for the Stupid Splash, and it misses as Shawn gets out of the way. Shawn tries for the tag, but Umaga catches him on his shoulder. Shawn hits a tornado DDT and everyone takes a nap. Bear hugs are tiring, yo. Shawn is able to get up and make the hot tag to HHH. Tag in to Gene. HHH with punchery, shoots Gene to the ropes and hits the knee lift. Umaga in, HHH with punchery, shoots Umaga to the corner, reversed. Umaga misses the splash, HHH hits a clothesline off the ropes. Gene in, HHH hits a facebuster on HHH. Umaga goes for HHH, misses and clotheslines Gene. Umaga kicks HHH, and Shawn hits Sweet Chin Music on Umaga. Shawn hits a springboard senton on Umaga on the outside. Gene sizes up HHH. I smell spinebuster. Gene runs in, misses the big boot, turns around and eats a spinebuster. HHH hits the Pedigree for the three count. And the villagers rejoice. Replay every move of the last 5 minutes! YESYESYESYESYESYESYESYES! Man. I can't wait until next Randy Orton is backstage, and apparently surprised that JBL is in his lockerroom. He was hiding. In the closet. With Jericho's wallet chain. They talk. I fast forward. Commercials. OMG! John Cena was at the Royal Rumble! Get the replay! HURRY! BACKSTAGE SEGMENT Grisham is backstage with Todd Grisham. They talk about how WWE is a moronic company. When Hardy is wrestling Santino at Wrestlemania, remember that he headlined one of the biggest PPVs of the year. Vince is backstage with Hornswaggle. Can anyone explain WHY Hornswaggle as a dirty face all the time? LA RIBA LA RAZE, EL FOURTHO MATCHO! Out first is GHOST OF CHRISTMAS YET TO COME. He is Mr. Kennedy. His opponent is HARD KICK, HARD KICK, LEFT PUNCH, RIGHT PUNCH, FAIL is Brian Kendrick. He slaps Ken in the face, so Ken unleashes kickery all over the place. Ken shoots him to the corner and goes for the running boot, misses and they both bail. Brian with punchery, Ken reverses an irish whip to the apron, rolls Brian in and follows. Replay of the whip as Ken works over the arm with some arm wringery. Shoots Brian to the corner, then locks in the wrist lock. Yet another replay of the whip outside. Brian with standing drop kick. Another. Another. Brian up top, misses the Missle Drop Kick, yells "Oh Fuck!" and Kennedy hits the Mic Check for the three count. Mic comes down and Kennedy starts to talk. Apparently he ASKED to not be in the Elimination Chamber. Yeah... right. Apparently he wants to do something historic. He wants Ric Flair. Ok. With a side of bacon? Kennedy: "Ric, I'm going to put you down... there." Gay. This brings out SOMEONE SAY DOWN "THERE?". He is Ric Flair, stylin and profilin. He has 2 things to say to Kennedy. Good luck. And Woo! Nice. Do a little strutting. Commercials. EL SO MANYO MATCHESO, THIS IS EL GOODO! NUMERO FIVITO! Fuck. Out first is INTERPRETAL DANCER. She is Melina and she's doing some wacked out dancing. Double fuck. Her opponent is CAN WE JUST GET NAKED?. He is Maria. This. Is. Going. To. Suck. At least Santino was here twice. Lockup, Melina does a splits and Maria just falls down. They get into a headlock... thing and stand up pulling hair. Maria to the ropes, hits a kick. Melina in the corner, and Maria hits a splash, then a bronco buster. Maria goes for something stupid, but Melina dumps her head first to the turnbuckle. Santino is screaming "Not the face!" Awesome. Melina with a running forearm to the back. Melina with a snapmare and a front face lock. Replay of the stupid head dump, and Melina hits a neckbreaker. Not the neck! Maria no-sells it, hitting forearms, Melina hits her, shoots her to the ropes and Melina hits a headscissors. Safety Headscissors. Cover for two. Maria shoots her to the ropes and misses a splash. Melina locks in a... something. Melina gets under Maria for an excuse to show us her panties. Melina attempts a sunset flip, but Maria sits on her face. I'll let that set in for a moment. For the three count. Santino comes in and puts his jacket over her butt. He comes in and says that they're fantacizing about her right now. No. Just Lord Jagilki. Santino: "Even J.R. is erecting a monument in his trousers as we speak!" Replay of the depantsing. Good Lord... Grisham is with Chris Jericho. Is this the night of talking? It seems like there's alot of it. I could be wrong. He says stuff. Hey, there's that new announcer dude! Mike Adamle! I'm not sure how I feel about this yet. EL MAINO EVENTO Out first because tradition is dead, I JOBBED TO RANDY ORTON AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS D-X SHIRT. He is Jeff Hardy. I wonder if Jeff wins the EC, they'll go with a Orton/Hardy/Cena triple threat. Or have Orton end Flair's career. Either way. His partner is WHEN DOES MY CONTRACT END?. He is Chris Jericho. Their opponent is JOIN BRANDY'S LIMORIDE He is JBL. His partner is DORKBOY. He is Randy Orton. Jericho and Orton to start. Lockup, breakup. Chris with a side headlock on Orton. Orton puts him to the ropes, lets him float over, he floats over, and Chris hits some Woo Chops and a clothesline. Chris with a suplex. Chris with some kickery, puts him in the corner and some more kickery. Replay, and somehow Orton shoots Chris to the ropes, Chris hits a kick, then another, then hits a facebuster. JBL is in, Chris dumps him. Tag to Jeff. Jeff hits the Swanton as Chris does something off camera. Cover for two. JBL breaks it up. Commercial. Orton has Hardy down in the ring, shoots him to the ropes, misses a clothesline and Hardy hits a flying forearm for a two count. Hardy with an arm wring, but Orton breaks it and gets a headlock, then tags in JBL. Orton chokes out Hardy on the apron as JBL hits some kickery. JBL shoots Hardy to the ropes and hits a shoulderblock. JBL misses an elbow, Hardy hits a dropkick and a leg drop. Hardy shoots JBL to the ropes, reversed. Orton gets involved, Jeff is distracted and JBL hits a boot to the face for a two count, broken up by Chris. The crowd sucks tonight. Replay of what Orton did. Tag in to Orton. Orton with knee drops and a cover for two. Orton locks in a chinlock. I go to the bathroom, come back and they're still in the chinlock. Jeff fights out, Orton hits a drop toe hold and tags in JBL. JBL puts Jeff in the corner and hits some punchery, then Orton hits a cheap shot. Tag in to Orton. Both of them hit punchery, Orton shoots Jeff to the ropes but it's reversed and Jeff hits a capture lariat. Chris tries to get the girls to squeel for Hardy. Hot tag to Chris and JBL. Chris with a clothesline and punchery. Again with a clothesline and punchery. Chris goes for the Walls of Jericho, Orton gets in it, Chris hits the springboard dropkick, reverses a whip from JBL and hits a clothesline, Chris hits the Lionsault for two, Orton breaks it up. Orton shoots Jeff to the corner, Jeff hops up, and Randy dumps him outside. JBL and Chris in the ring, Chris gets the Walls of Jericho. Orton is in and hits the RKO on Jericho. JBL covers for the three count. That brings out John Cena. He stands for what is right! That match wasn't right! Thug life, yo. He takes off his shirt, showing how well his arm works. JBL leaves Orton alone. Cena is in, they brawl, Cena hits a shoulderblock, then hits the FU to the delight of 42% of the crowd. Cena points to his shoulder, because he's thug, yo. Cena smiles, yo. His music hits, yo. What a yo-yo. FINAL THOUGHTS: God this RAW sucked.
Comments: 10
Reply to
: Comment # 1 | [/answer]{answer} 2. Chris Jericho | 30 Jan 2008 - 22:30
Hey... Wasn't I supposed to be saving everyone from something? 3. Santino | 30 Jan 2008 - 22:34
Yes'a, you were, but now that'a Cena is back and more'a thug then evar. You can save Jeff'a Hardy a nice'a seat beside you in the mid-card'a! HA'a!... 4. Xander Azula | 31 Jan 2008 - 00:23
I agree, Triple B. Boy did Smackdown suck this week...what? It was RAW? Coulda fooled me. 5. KC | 31 Jan 2008 - 02:52
Hornswoggle is just Vince's way at being racist at another group of people. Nice review. Anyone else notice how HUGE Randy Orton's mouth is? He looks like a duck. That's all I noticed when I had that segment on mute. 6. Triple B | 31 Jan 2008 - 02:54
I find it disturbing that of everything to look at, you notice Randy Orton's mouth. 7. KC | 31 Jan 2008 - 02:57
Next time you watch Orton I gaurantee you'll immediately look at his huge mouth. It's distracting, I tells ya. 8. John Cena | 31 Jan 2008 - 03:37
Yo, yo, yo, yo. I'm winnin' my WWE Title back at No Way Out instead of WrestleMania, because I'm thug like that. Besides...who they gonna job me out to? Orton? Please... 9.
| 31 Jan 2008 - 09:17
[answer]I knew things were going to be bad on RAW when Cena won the Rumble, but I didn't think it would be this bad... Reply to
: Comment # 9 | [/answer]
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Yeah, she knows.