Rubbing it RAW - 1/14/08

Date: 18 Jan 2008 - Author: Triple B - Category: News - Views: 334

Figures. The one week I get Rubbing it RAW done on Tuesday, and Vince McMahon goes to the servers "You're... fired!"

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DISCLAIMER!!!: The views expressed by this article, or any other article or recap done by myself, Triple B, is the views of solely myself. These do not neccessarily reflect the views of Roughkut.com, Roughkut himself, or any of the staff or mods here at Roughkut. All jokes I put in are soley my decision to put in, and any crapitude from said jokes is MY fault. Nobody elses.

BLOGGING IT UP: Thank whatever god you sacrifice a yak to that the site is back up.




INTRODUCTION:

We kick off with a video recap of the Umaga/Hardy cage match that I fast forwarded through the majority of. It was a 20 minute match with a shitload of AHH!!!s and Nerve Pinches, with a few good spots at the end. At the end, Jeff Hardy is voice-over saying "At the Royal Rumble, I am going to take him out..." To a romantic dinner?

EL FIRSTO MATCHO SEGMENTO

Out first is ANYONE NOTICE I'M STILL THE IC CHAMP?. He is Jeff Hardy. I won't believe that Jeff has a chance against Orton unless he drops that belt. Which probably won't happen. Uh oh. Jeff has a mic. SPELLING CONTEST!!! The crowd is solidly behind him, like they've been for the past 80 years or so. Jumping off of ladders and through tables onto vats of alligators will get them to love you. Jeff still wants to take Randy out before the RR. Ah. Young love. Orton doesn't come out to answer the challange for a bit because he's playing hard to get. But... he'll still show up eventually. DORKBOY is out. If Jeff Hardy being WWE Champion means we get rid of the spinner belt, I'll be a happy man. Holy shit. Orton points out only 2 people have held the IC and WWE Titles at the same time. Orton wants to be the 3rd. So, he wants a shot at the IC Belt tonight. Jeff accepts. Finally, NOW we can get to the make out session. Randy: "Good, because I didn't have anything to do between now and the RR. You're fresh out of brothers for me to kick in the head." Zing.

Where's the video intro to this show? Ric Flair video package. Tonight he takes on William Regal.

EL FIRSTO MATCHO

Out first is... FAKE GLORIA GAYNOR. Anyone get that refence? She is Ashley, and she has friggin PYRO? WTF? Apparently this is one of their series of 412 six diva tag matches. At least they keep all this crap in one match. Her partner is PLAYBOY? IS THAT A BUNNY RABBIT? I LIKE BUNNY RABBITS!. She is Maria. Their partner is I KISS CHICKS. She is Mickie James. Is there even a Women's Champ anymore? Their opponent is SPLIT DECISION. She is Melina. Her partner is THE REAL GLORIA GAYNOR. She is Jillian Hall. Her music rules, btw. Their partner is GLAMOR GIRL. She is Beth Phoenix. There IS a Women's Champ! Am I the only one slightl attracted to Beth? Jillian and Ashley start out. Something tells me Ashley pins Melina in this matchup. Jillian kind of makes Ashley trips, sits on her, then shoots her to the corner. Ashley hits a back elbow and jumps off with a cross-body for two. Jillian kind of just kicks out and punches her, then tags in Melina. Ashely hits a clothesline and tags in Maria. Maria hits a few shitty elbows, a shitty knee, then a handstand kick and shoots her to the ropes. Maria gets a headlock on Melina, and goes for some sort of bulldog, but Melina holds onto the ropes, then drop toe kicks her down. Melina chokes out Maria and tags in Beth. Beth with a sidewalk slam on Maria and cover for two. Beth slaps her in the head, but Maria hits something I don't see because the cameraman is looking at the crowd, and Maria tags in Mickie. Beth charges in, and Mickie hits the headscissors takedown. Mickie with a dropkick, then slides out of the heel's side and throws everyone off the apron, hits a shoulderblock on Beth and goes up top for a senton. Beth stops that with a punch, then goes for her nelson finisher, but Mickie kicks out of the move and hits an enziguri. Mickie covers for two, but the heels come in, and the faces charge in, and everyone leaves the ring. Mickie to the ropes a few times, hits some kicks, goes to the ropes again, and Beth hits her with a shitty snake eyes. Beth hits the Fisherman's Suplex on Mickie for the three count as the other skanks are on the outside screwing around.

Recap of what just happened. The faces hug each other in defeat. It isn't very hot.

William Regal and Vince are backstage, as Vince is telling Regal that he'll beat Flair tonight and end his career. They put a very long winded set up to call Mobile, Alabama a crappy town. Gene Snitsky is here to save this segment from being passable, and tells him he can fight Triple H tonight. Fuck.

WWE is going HD next week.

ECW has a show tomorrow. Edge will be there. I will NOT.

Commercial.

Last year's Royal Rumble came down to Michaels and Undertaker.

EL SECONDO MATCHO

This is a RR Qualifying match. Out first is JESUS WORE COWBOY HATS?. He is Shawn Michaels, and apparently he only shaves on Sundays for church. Why don't past RR winners just automatically get in? HBK has a mic, and thinks the same thing. Shawn Michaels says Usurp! Vote: Shawn Michaels. Credit: Nero Cain. Shawn wants Kennedy in the RR Qualifying match. But apparently he gets TUBBY MCTUBBINGSTEIN. He is Trevor Murdoch. JR: "He looks like Larry the Cable Guy." He looks retarded? Lockup. Tervor with the wristlock and punchery. Shoots Shawn to the ropes and hits a clothesline. More punchery, hits the inverted atomic drop and a running boot. Trevor with alot of cross-face forearms, then has Shawn in teh corner for more punchery. Shoots Shawn to the other corner hard and covers for two. Trevor with a chinlock. Shawn powers up. He has Jesus on his side, you fool! Shawn chops out, goes to the ropes and hits a kick and some more chops. Trevor with some punchery, Shawn with more chops. Trevor goes to the ropes, and Shawn hits the Lou Thesz Press, then shoots Trevor to the ropes again. Shawn with a flying forearm, kips up, hits the atomic drop, punch, punch, scoop slam, goes to the corner and climbs up, hitting the flying elbow drop. Shawn is back up, dancing around. Shawn tunes up the band and goes for the Superkick, but Trevor just falls down to avoid it. Shawn locks in the Figure Four and Trevor taps. Shawn then delivers 2 babies in the crowd, impregnates 4 virgins, turns water into wine and hands out a couple loaves of bread to feed everyone. Ken Kennedy then shows up on the Titantron to talk trash. Eh. Kennedy doesn't really do it for me anymore. His best thing was him saying his name twice, and they don't let him do that anymore. Apparently he's the Present and Future of Sports Entertainment. Who's the ghost of Sports Entertainment past? Howard Finkel? Trevor comes in the ring in time for Shawn to super kick him. Shawn then tells Trevor to suck it. I don't think that's very Christian.

Ric Flair wrestles tonight.

JBL is here tonight. For his Second Coming. Alot of religous iconery here tonight.

Jeff Hardy Vs. Orton at the Royal Rumble.

Wrestlemania 6 where Hogan lost to Warrior. Too bad Warrior is bat crazy.

Jeff Hardy Vs. Orton tonight for the IC Belt.

Royal Rumble in 2 weeks. We need more shilling. Edge/Mysterio at the RR. JBL/Jericho at the RR. Orton/Hardy at the RR. Really? I didn't know.

Hornswaggle and Vince are backstage. Apparently Vince wants to give HS some experience in a RR, so he's booking him in his own RR match tonight. Mr. Kennedy, Mankind, Batista, then some surprises. I doubt he'll really wrestle all those guys. Vince grabs HS by the throat and tells him he's a McMahon, and anything can happen. He then tells him he's proud of him. HS looks like he peed his pants. But only a little. ATHANKYOUVERMUCH

Triple H is WALKING!

Commercial

Regal/Flair tonight. WE KNOW ALREADY!

LA RIBA LA RAZE, EL THIRDO MATCHO!

AWw... my La Riba got wasted on LA GAMITO. He is Triple H. His opponent is MDK - MURDKERKILLDEATH. Yet another movie reference nobody will get. Demolition Man was a good movie. Screw you all. Snitksy and HHH face off, Gene is ready. Good lord, we're going to see Gene Snitsky in HDTV next week. And I have a HD Wide Screen. Damnit all. Lockup, HHH reverses it and puts out some punchery. Gene puts out a knee, then goes to some kickery to break that up. Gene is all "NO way fella!" Gene shoots HHH to the corner, and HHH is all "Yeah way" and clotheslines him back down. Gene gets back up, and HHH is all "Told you way!" and unleashes punchery, then tries to shoot him to the ropes. Gene reverses it and said "Nuh uh way!" and hits an elbow, then runs at HHH, who pulls down the top rope and he flies over like a big, hairless moron. If you told me that Gene Snitsky was a shaved Mountain Gorilla, I'd believe it.

Commercial

We come back to Gene hitting a knee, then unleashing stompery on HHH. Gene hits a few shoulder blocks to the gut in the corner, because he likes to rub his bald head on HHH's bald eagle. Gene shoots HHH to the opposite corner, then smashes his head in a different corner. Gene shoots him to the OTHER corner, and hits a sidewalk slam, then stands for a minute like a moron, and covers for two. Then yells at the ref to "come on." Dude, you should have covered him quicker. Gene hits a scoop slam and a pair of elbow drops for two. Gene with some forearms, but HHH fights back with punchery. HHH goes to the ropes, and Gene catches him in a very sweet bear hug. HHH tries to elbow out a few times, but it's no good. Snitsky's too ugly. Gene looks like he's trying to dry hump HHH's leg some more as HHH tries to elbow out. JR: "You got to hand it to Snitsky, he took two hard shots." Gay. HHH powers back to his feet and hits a few elbows to break it up. Gene breaks that up and goes for the Pump Handle Slam, but HHH flips out and hits a DDT. Everyone goes to sleep as the ref and crowd count 10 sheep for them. THey're up at the fifth ba ba ba, and Gene shoots HHH to the ropes. HHH hits the facebuster, then his a spinebuster. HHH kicks him to the midsection and goes for the Pedigree, but Gene dumps him over the top rope. He's eliminated! Gene shoots HHH to the steel steps that weigh 14 tons or whatever. Diamond Plate and Sheet metal is heavy, yo. Gene sets HHH up on the bottom stairs and tries to drop the top ones on HHH, but HHH rolls out of the way, and then kills Gene with a steel chair. The ref calls for the bell, I assume to DQ HHH. HHH goes under the ring and grabs the sledgehammer. HHH hits Gene in the stomach once, then hits the Pedigree and roars like a proud panda bear. Hit HHH's music, because he lost! HHH then takes his sledgehammer, destroys one of the Titantron's screens, and throws it at the screen, making it explode in pleasure. Literally.

Go buy Armageddon on DVD!

Commercial.

We're back to recap the other crap that happened, because it wasn't good enough the first time.

Vince and HHH argue backstage. So, Vince tells him he IS in the Royal Rumble if he wins his match next week. Whatever that might be. He'll wrestle Hornswaggle? Or Coach. Or Regal. Or all three.

Slam of the Week was JBL showing up on RAW 2 weeks ago. Wouldn't that be the slam of the week 2 weeks ago then?

SEGMENTANO TWO-O!

Out in his limo with his sexy driver. He shows a video package of him making up for goosestepping a few years back by trying to lynch Jericho, who turned out to be an Insane Cop. JBL then tells Jericho to have his kids draw him a get well picture or something, then has enough pyro shoot off level the country of Bolivia.


Jeff Hardy puts on TAPE!

Battle Royal is NEXT!

HHH wrestled Kane and won the IC Championship at No Mercy a few years ago! kane with a mask just looks odd now. Better. But odd.

Jeff Hardy Vs. Randy Orton TONIGHT!

AYE CARUMBA! A FOURTH MATCH!

Out first is THIS LITTLE PIGGY. He is Hornswaggle. Out next is LOWER CASE K. A midget Ken Kennedy. I think the reason people are wierded out by midgets is because they either have wierd stomachs or wierd arms. Little Kennedy wants the mic, but it doesn't come down far enough. Kennedy hits a kick, and HS kicks him back and chokes him out on the ropes. HS hits a dropkick, then misses a charge in the corner and is hit with a drop toe kick. It was the little toe. Kennedy runs at him and hits a boot, when out comes BOYKIND. He is Little Mankind. I sense a theme here. Kennedy unleashes tiny kicks on Tiny Mankind. HS hits him and shoots him in the corner, then Mankind hits a clothesline on HS and pulls out socko. HS blocks it, hits a lowblow and eliminates him. Apparently you just need to toss them out. HS then military presses Kennedy and tosses him OVER the top rope. HS's got him some guns. Out next is A PONY. He is Little Batista. Batista rushes in, misses HS once, but spears him down. He then pulls on the ropes, grabs HS, and is backdropped over HS. HS charges Batista, but misses, Batista tries to eliminate him. Now out is Able. Kane's little brother. Heh. Little Kane comes down the ramp uppercuts HS and Batista. Batista hits a spinebuster on Kane. Batista hits the Batista Bomb on Kane. HS hits some kickery on Batista and tosses him out of the ring. I think he's eliminated. Little Kane sits up, hits some uppercuts, htis a clothesline, then goes to the second rope and hits a flying clothesline. Little Kane attempts a chokeslam, but can't lift HS. HS fights out, and hits a DVD. He then hits a baseball slide kick and eliminates Little Kane. Out next is MIDGET EATER. The REAL Great Khali comes out. Little Batista is back in and attacking HS with stompery. Khali gets in, and Batista bails. Khali grabs HS, but Finley comes out of nowhere and beats Khali to death with the Sheleleigh. I probably spelled that wrong. Finlay goes back in the ring and then hits a clothesline on Khali's interpreter. HS back in, and Finlay dumps the interpreter out of the ring.

Randy Orton is putting on TAPE!

Commericals.

Finlay and Vince argue backstage. He books Khali and Finlay for Smackdown. "You hear anything yet? no? FUCK!"

EL MATCHO SO GOODO IT IS NUMERO FIVO

Out first is WOOWEEWOO. He is Ric Flair. His opponent, if you haven't paid attention the last 50 times they told you, is I HAVE TO JOB TO RIC? OH BLOODY HELL. He is William Regal. And...

Commercial.

We return to Regal hitting knee drops on Flair. Regal locks in a standing leg bar, but Ric gets to the ropes to break the count. Stompery by Regal. Ric bails out, trips Regal and hits a few knee smashes on the apron, then wraps his leg around the ring post. Flair hits a chop to the knee as Regal stands up. Regal gets a headlock, but Flair hits the knee smash, trips him and locks in the Figure Four Leg Lock. Regal gets the ropes, breaking the hold. Regal goes for a headlock, but Flair punches him and breaks it up. Regal pushes Flair at the ropes, and rolls him up for a two count. The ref breaks it up because he grabbed the tights. Flair then rolls Regal up with a schoolboy, grabs the tights, and gets the three count. That! is how you cheat.

Jeff Hardy and Randy Orton are WALKING! Not hand in hand though.

Shawn Michaels Vs. Ken Kennedy next week!

Exclamation Points next week!

Triple H versus a black ghost next week! Before you think that's racist, look at the graphic...



EL MAINO EVENTO

Out first is DORKBOY. He is Randy Orton. Recap of Orton being a jackass over previous weeks. Out next is PINK RANGER. Jeff Hardy has a pink belt on. Randy Orton just shit kicks Hardy in the balls in the first move of the match. And gets DQed. AWesome. Orton gets on the mic and craps that up too. He then tosses Hardy outside, pulls up the pads on the floor, and goes for a RKO on the concrete, but Jeff shoves him off. How would that even hurt more? His chin is on your shoulder. They brawl back up the ramp. Orton tosses Jeff into the TitanTron, picks Jeff up, punches him a few times, goes for a kick to Jeff's head off the stage, but Jeff back body drops him over it to the floor below. And my prayers are answered by a grown man dressed in glowing paint and a pink belt. Jeff then doesn't hit the Swanton, and walks around the site. Wait... he took off his shirt and tossed it to the crowd. Jeff the climbs scaffolding convieniently placed next to this spot, looks to God... Shawn Michaels can't save you now. Wait. He was looking higher. Rob Van Dam won't save you either. Jeff then climbs another good 20 feet in the air, looks down, yells, and hits the fucking swanton off the scaffolding onto Orton. That was pretty sweet, visually. EMTs then break apart styrofoam to get to the two of them and put neckbraces on everyone. They then spend 5 minutes getting them out of there to end the show. Someone should show Jeff Hardy those "Don't try this at home" commercials. Jeff raises his hand to the crowd's delight as he's carried off.

FINAL THOUGHTS: Jeff Hardy has no chance in hell of winning at The Royal Rumble. But for some reason, I'm looking forward to the match. And for such a great group of wrestlers in the Women's Division, they sure do put on some shitty matches.

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