Rubbing it RAW - 1/7/08 « RoughKut.com news

It was RAW. It was horrible. It was a night that saw the return of Ashley and Mick Foley. It had a steel cage, lingerie and blood. And it somehow sucked. How you might ask? Read on, true believers, and enjoy my archaic 80s and comic book references...

DISCLAIMER!!!: The views expressed by this article, or any other article or recap done by myself, Triple B, is the views of solely myself. These do not neccessarily reflect the views of Roughkut.com, Roughkut himself, or any of the staff or mods here at Roughkut. All jokes I put in are soley my decision to put in, and any crapitude from said jokes is MY fault. Nobody elses.

BLOGGING IT UP: Work is busy. I'm in the middle of a huge arguement with my wife. Some guy keeps IMing me over and over "Are you there dude?" and I want to drive over to wherever the hell he lives and piss in his hair. And on top of that, I can't find a local GameStop that has an X-Box hard drive, so I can't save any of my Halo 3 work. I've gotten up to fighting a Scarab Tank in one sitting, and for some reason I can't blow it up. I can take out his knees plenty of times, but for some reason having the Sgt. Major yelling "You'll know what the power core looks like when you see it" doesn't really friggin help.

INTRODUCTION:

Video package of the Ric Flair retirement angle thus far. Nobody does these better than WWE. They might put out some real shit angles over the years, but these video packages are always well done and dramatic. And 99% of them have Triple H. Hiyo!

Vince McMahon and William Regal are backstage. They have the RAW Roulette Wheel. Has it really been 5 years since they used this thing? Where DOES the time go? Apparently Vince is happy Triple H is out of the RR, of which he'll prob get back in somehow. Now he wants him injured tonight, and he'll face Regal in... Ninja, SPIN THAT WHEEL!!! First Blood Match. Apparently Triple H is a ninja, because Regal walks out the door and is attacked by Triple H pretty quickly. 42 refs hold Triple H back as Regal runs off.

RAW Intro video. Yay.

fa-suto shoubu

All of my intros are going to be in Japanese tonight. I watch the Replacements and decided I really liked their Sumo Center. Out first is I NEED TO SHAVE. He is Shawn Michaels. Seriously, just because Jesus had a beard doesn't mean you can't shave before work, Shawn. His opponent is FOR EVERY WIN I GET TO DO MY INTRO. Before he CAN do his intro, Vince taps the Roulette wheel, and we get a Strange Bedfellows match. Now Kennedy and Shawn are teaming up to take on...

Commercial?

We are back... WE DON'T EVEN GET AN F'ING INTRO OF THE TEAM?!?!? They're wrestling Charlie Haas and Trevor Murdoch, and Kennedy is covering Haas for two. Kennedy to the ropes and Shawn tags himself in, comes in, and dumps Kennedy out of the ring. Shawn then dumps Haas out of the ring. Crap. You know we're getting close to the Royal Rumble when everyone throws people out of the ring. Charlie Haas goes under the ring and puts on a mask.. he then says "It's Time" and poses like a superhero. Shawn tosses him back in the ring, and Trevor cheap shots Shawn. Tag in to Trevor. Why is Haas in a mask? Is there something I miss on HEAT? Trevor with a running knee and some forearms. Tag in to Haas. Trevor hits a backbreaker, tags in Haas and Haas jumps off the top turnbuckle and hits an elbow drop. Shawn hits a knife edge chop, goes for the tag but Kennedy isn't there. Haas grabs Shawn, tries to hit a suplex, Shawn lands on his feet and takes off his mask. Oh no! NOW Charlie won't win! Shawn hits some chops, goes to the ropes and hits a flying elbow. Kips up, atomic drop, punch, punch, atomic drop, punch, scoop slam, Shawn goes up top. Shawn hits a much better elbow drop, hits the Sweet Chin Music on Trevor, tunes the band, Kennedy stops him, Shawn kicks Charlie to the midsection and hits Sweet Chin Music. Kenned hits The Mindcheck on Shawn and covers Haas for the win.

This was a pretty shitty match, to be honest. Especially when you have three great wrestlers in the ring.

Post-match, Kennedy whispers sweet nothings in Shawn's ear while he kicks his legs like a school girl on her bed. Honestly, I didn't make that up.

Triple H will beat William Regal TONIGHT!

We're in a casino!

niban shoubu

This is a Trading Places match. The opponents have to dress as each other. Out first is HARLITO. He is Carlito dressed as Hardcore Holly. He even gets in the ring and poses like Holly. I had this idea for a wrestler where he always dresses and wrestles as his opponent. Speaking of which, Carlito's opponent is CARHOLLY. He is Hardcore Holly in humorous afro wig and an apple in hand. Holly takes the wig and shirt off, then puts the wig back on. Nice. Carlito starts off with alot of punchery and stompery. Holly loses his wig. Carlito with more stompery, and hits a suplex. Cover for two. Carlito smashes Holly's head in the corner and shoots him to the opposite corner. Holly hits a backdrop suplex and cover for two. Carlito locks in a upper wishbone, but Holly powers up. Carlito with a kick to the midsection and swinging neckbreaker. Carlito has Holly in the corner, and hits a chop. Carlito goes for a second, but misses and Holly hits some of his own. Holly shoots him to the ropes and hits a clothesline, shoots him again and hits a back body drop. Shoots him a third time and Carlito hits a kick, but Holly hits a drop kick. Santino tries to distract the ref as Holly bites the apple, spits in Carlito's face and hits the Alabama Slamma for the three count.

A short skit:

CARLITO: I'm sick of losing! Dat's not cool! I'm going to TNA. They take everybody in the main event.

VINCE: Don't leave Carlito. I have big plans for you!

CARLITO: Carlito won't leave. Dat's cool.

VINCE: Ok. Now, go continue to job out, but we'll let you keep Santino by your side.

CARLITO: Censored.

Vince and Maria are backstage where Vince uses his large... brain to trick Maria into thinking she rolled a Lingerie Pillow Fight. This is going to really suck.

Commercial.

Recap of how Jeff and Orton have been set up. Somebody in the Audio/Visual Department of the WWE really likes that gay purple fade effect. They use it on friggin everything. In case you DIDN'T read last week's Rubbing it RAW, Orton beat down Matt.

Jeff talks backstage. He says he's going to take Randy out to dinner. Aww... How sweet.

Vince McMahon and Hornswaggle are backstage, but I have no idea what they are saying because the audio is out, and nobody has the balls to take Vince off the TV too quickly, so pretty much the whole thing is shown with only a very faint echo from it being filtered to the live crowd.

Diva's are next!

Commercial.

We come back to a "Moments Ago" to show us what the hell Vince and HS were talking about. Apparently HS has a qualifying match tonight to get into the RR.

Bsanban shoubu

Lillian Garcia is wearing half a shirt, and not in the good way. Out first is BETTER THAN TASSLES. She is Melina. Her opponent is BORING. Jillian sings her own entrance music? Awesome. Their opponent is NOT BORING. She is Maria and is wearing some sort of French Maid outfit. Their opponent is PIGTAILS. Even JR noticed them. Mickie James sort of schoolgirly. God, this is going to suck. But now... I WAS ON SURVIVOR AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS TAIL?. She is Ashley, and she has a 8 foot feather tail. I hate her already. Jillian and Melina are just jumping on the bed. Everyone jumps up and bounces for awhile. Have then NOT learned the moral of The Monkey's In The Bed story? Everyone falls out, pillow fight, Jillian and Melina try to hide under a bedspread. For pity's sake. Why am I recapping this? Melina throws Ashley into Jillian, then hits Jillian with her butt and then humps her face. My descriptions are better than what's happening. SOme sort of really shitty powerbomb from Mickie on Melina, Jillian and Ashley do something retarded and fall on the bed, Maria jumps in, Mickie rolls out of the ring looking like she has to sneeze. Melina and Jillian try to suffocate Ashley with the bedspread, but she can't die because she's a survivor. Get it? Heh... oh well. Melina is thrown for some stupid friggin reason 3 inches on Jillian, Jillian is held down on the bed by Maria and Mickie so Ashley can hit a shitty elbow drop and pin her for the win. Why wouldn't Mickie or Maria want to win? Now they all hug on the bed. Ashley looks like crap.

Thank God... TRIPLE H IS WALKING!

Commercial.

HS is trying to find a tag partner to get in his RR Qualifying match. Super Crazy turns him down. How does HS communicate? He grunts.

yottsu shoubu

Out first is BY THE POWA OF THA PUNCH!. Regal has the shitties/swankest ring jacket ever. I'm not sure which yet. His opponent is GIVE ME YOUR BLOOD!. He is Triple H. THis is a First Blood Match. I completely phase out and stare at the wall for a minute or so, then come back as Regal is putting the beat down on HHH on the outside. Regal sucks chant starts up and Regal hits a Northern Light Suplex on HHH, then takes the turnbuckle pad off. HHH with some punchery. Regal fights back, HHH crawls around, Regal smashes him head first in the corner. Regal with more punchery and a knee drop. Regal has HHH up and goes for some more smashery to the corner, but HHH stops it, drops some punches and shoots Regal to the ropes. HHH hits the facebuster, goes for the Pedigree but Regal fulcrums him in the corner. Regal with a knee to the head. Regal goes outside for the brass knuckles so HHH has time to get a razor ready. Regal runs, but eats a spinebuster from HHH. HHH with a few punches to the head, then puts Regal's face in his crotch, then cuts him and continues to punch, drawing the blood. Game. Over. HHH continues to punch him a little, then hits the Pedigree for good measure. That'll teach him to get back in a ring!

HS and Santino are backstage. Santino is gold, saying "Why don't you just get Count Chokula and we'll make it a six-man." and "You angered your a papa" and "Small people.... creepa me out." He was funnier saying it himself.

Recap of Jericho/JBL thus far.

JBL Vs. Chris Jericho at the Royal Rumble! Welcome back Chris.

go shoubu

Out first is JERIKA. That's how Lillian pronounced it. Vince spins the wheel. And Chris will be in... FIND OUT NEXT! That thing never stops spinning.

Commercial.

It's a handicap match. He's going to fight Zach Gowan? Nope. More handicapped. His opponent is RETARD. Snitsky. I apologize to all the people of mental handicaps out there. Saying that Snitksy is one of you is horrible. Snitsky's partner is JUMPING, BUMBLING LUNATIC. He is JBL. Snitsky starts out, hitting punchery on Chris. Chris gets shot to the ropes, slides under and hits some chops. Back to the ropes and hits a forearm. Snitsky clotheslines him back down, then hits some more stompery. Snitsky hits some shitty headlock takedown, then misses a big boot to crotch himself on the ropes. Chris hits a springboard dropkick. JBL is in, and attacks Chris. Chris and JBL brawl on the outside. Chris with more fighting, and JBL hits him with the ring ring bell. The ref calls the match a DQ, but there's no ring bell to ring! OH NO! JBL continues to beat down Chris, then chokes him out with cable ringside. Why don't they stop leaving random cables laying around? JBL just drags Chris around with the cable, choking him out. Shades of Shaniqua and The Bashams. JBL with a clothesline. Where the hell is Snitsky? JBL drags Jericho back up the ramp. I check my e-mail, and JBL is still draging Jericho around. Up the ramp to the side, now is hitting kicks. It's a mic? But... WWE uses wireless Mics... JBL climbs up some scaffolding, wraps the cord up, and literally attempts to hang Chris Jericho. Refs come out and stop the lynching. That is NOT how you play Mafia, JBL!

Recap of what just happened. Because commentators on Fox Business should hang people.

muttsu shoubu

Already in the ring is GOING TO LOSE. They are the Higlanders. Their opponents are WHO?. They are Hornswaggle and B.H. Jordan and HS. Who the fuck is BH Jordan? Jordan is twice the height of HS, but about the same weight. Now out comes MRS. FOLEY'S BABY BOY. He is Mick Foley. What's he doing here? Apparently taking Jordan's spot. The Highlanders are screwed. Lockup. Rory with a wristlock. Reversed by Mick. Rory with punchery. Mick counters with his own punchery, shoots Rory to the ropes and hits a back elbow and cover for two. The winning team gets in the RR. HS hits some punches, and a drop kick, then a running splash. Tag in to the real Rory. I never remember their names, and nobody ever says which is which. Rory hits a punch, Foley breaks it up, tag in to Foley, Foley with punchery in the corner, then goes BANG BANG! Foley with a running knee in the corner. Foley hits a kick to the midsection and a running knee lift. Foley gets grabbed by Robby. THAT'S HIS NAME! Tag in to Robby. Robby hits some punchery and a slam in the corner, tag back in to Rory. Rory hits a shoulderblock on Foley. Headbutts. Tag in to Robby, double shoot to the ropes, Rory charges and is dumped to the outside. Robby gets hit with a clothesline. Robby from up top gets hit with Mr. Socko. Foley hits the double arm DDT on Rory, tag in to HS, who hits the tadpole splash for the three. Foley and HS are in the Royal Rumble. HS tries to throw Mr. Socko to the crowd, but it goes about halfway outside the ring. Replay of the ending.

Jeff Hardy Vs. Umaga in a Steel Cage next.

omodatta ebento

Out first, because tradition is dead, is KIRK CAMERON. He is Jeff Hardy. He's from Cameron, NC, if you didn't get my weak reference... screw you. His opponent is UGABAYYAMEHATEFACEPAINTAGGABAYA!!. He is Umaga. If he's the Samoan Bulldozer, is his girlfriend the Samoan Backhoe? HIYO! DORKBOY comes out to be ringside. Randy Orton, in case you don't know who he is. Umaga starts out with punchery and kickery and yellery. Why doesn't he try flattery? Jeff gets shot to the ropes, hits a sunset flip, but Umaga holds on and goes for a butt splash, misses and Jeff covers for one. Jeff with a jawbreaker, Umaga shitkicks him in the face. Umaga won't win. He steals HHH's tight colors. Umaga with more punchery, shoots Jeff to the corner, but misses a big splash. Jeff with kicks and the mule kick. Cover for two. Does that splash work on anyone outside of a low card wrestler? Umaga shoots Jeff to the ropes, goes for a back body drop but Jeff holds on the cage and climbs. Umaga yanks him back off.

Commercial.

We are back and Umaga has the nerve pinch on Jeff. Big surprise. I can't take this anymore. This RAW is horrible. Fast forward. Randy Orton is throwing Steel Chairs over the top into the ring. Fast forward. Umaga hits Jeff with a chair. Fast forward. Umaga climbs the cage. Fast forward. Jeff must have pulled him back in, or gravity kicked in, because he's now beating Jeff down. Fast forward. Jeff tries to go out the door, but Randy slams it in his face. Umaga crawls over to cover, kickout at two. Samoa Spike countered, Jeff hits a Twist of Fate. jeff takes off his shirt and climbs up top. He's on top of the cage and hits a WHISPER ON THE WIND OF THE FUCKING CAGE ONTO UMAGA! Holy shit! He covers for the three count. That looks friggin sweet. JR has a heart attack too. Orton looks shocked. Jeff celebrates on top of the cage. We then have the last 4 minutes of the show a recap of what happened, and Jeff just standing on top of a cage.

FINAL THOUGHTS: One of the shittier RAW's I've recapped. The best wrestling match was with two guys in kilts, a midget and Mick Foley.

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