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 Advertise cheap: [Click here] Date: 3 Jan 2008 - Author: Triple B - Category: News - Views: 237 
Hippy Hair. Ruining Main Events. Asskissing. Both literal and figurative. Hardhats. Dresses. Queens. What man has all thees in common? If you can figure that out, maybe you can figure out what the heck he's doing. Because I sure as hell can't. Oh yeah, and Diva's can't wrestle anymore. And Jim Duggan showed up on RAW to get his once a year contractual obligation out of the way. DISCLAIMER!!!: The views expressed by this article, or any other article or recap done by myself, Triple B, is the views of solely myself. These do not neccessarily reflect the views of Roughkut.com, Roughkut himself, or any of the staff or mods here at Roughkut. All jokes I put in are soley my decision to put in, and any crapitude from said jokes is MY fault. Nobody elses. BLOGGING IT UP:  INTRODUCTION: Last RAW of the YEAR! There won't be another one until next year! Which will be.. next.. uh... week. Video package of Randy Orton doing things. I have everything on mute because everyone is trying to sleep. Orton's going to talk? UNMUTE CITY! Population.. ME! EL FIRSTO DORKBOY is Randy Orton, and he is already in the ring with a spotlight on him. He basically tells everyone that he's the champ, because not everyone can check those things on WWE.com. This brings out DANCE IN THE NEW YEAR. he is Jeff Hardy. WTF!??!! The camera shows 4 different kids having seizures! Get them an ambulance. That, or they're gay for Hardy. Perhaps both. One leads to the other. Jeff has a mic. Jeff calls Randy Orton, "Dude." Well... it worked for RVD. Jeff shows footage of him pinning Orton. Orton and Jeff then have a 20 minute debate on Middle Eastern Politics and it's affects on the world around us. Orton attempts a quick RKO, but Jeff counters and hits the Twist of Fate, then gives himself a big, special round of applause, and jumps all over the ring, slaps some hands, and goes to the back to make out with his Jeff Hardy Teddy Bear. Video package for Ric Fucking Flair. SHAWN MICHAELS IS WALKING! Next week is RAW Roulette! In the back alley will be Back Alley Craps. Matt Hardy shows up and hugs Jeff, telling him that he can do it. He does NOT do it in Ben Stiller's voice from Starsky and Hutch. Bullshit. EL FIRSTO MATCHO Out first is (860) 263-6000. He is Mr. Kennedy. That's the number for the Connecticut Unemployment Office, by the way. Kennedy makes like he's going to do his intro, but he left his mic at home, I guess. His opponent is WEARING COWBOY HATS FOR JESUS! He is Shawn Michaels. He's a sexy boy. Sexy Boy. He's not your boytoy. Boytoy. Why do wrestlers cut their shirts to be tunics? Kennedy stares at HBK's butt, which makes him shake his hand all around, and slightly bend over. Oh yeah... NO homosexual overtones in THIS business. Lockup, and Shawn gets a wristlock, Ken powers out and hits a quick cover for 0. They then roll all over each other, getting near falls for 0 counts. Shawn takes the scrunchie out of his hair. It's OHN!!! THey continue this lockup exchange until Shawn gets a few armdrags into an armbar. Ken powers up and shoves Shawn into the corner. Don't shove! Cuddle with him first..... first. Ken with punchery, shoots Shawn to the corner, reversed, Shawn goes outside and hits a knee smash on the apron after teasing a wishbone. He hates that dog. Shawn back in, the cameraman zooms in on Ken's shin, and Shawn then kicks him IN the shin. I should really unmute this. Shawn back to the stompery on the shin, and locks in a half Boston crab. Ken relaxes on the mat. I wonder if the wrestlers ever fart in another guys face? Ken gets to the ropes, and breaks the hold. Shawn with some punchery as Ken gets up. Sometime happens to the video, and I now get a replay of Ken Kennedy putting his ass in Shawn Michael's face. I'm not kidding.  See? Both men back up, and Shawn reverses a bunch into a crossface. Dude. Ken elbows out. Ken with some kicks and 2 elbow drops for a 2 count. Both men back up. Ken picks up Shawn and puts him in the tree of woe. Ken chokes him out with the boot, then walks back. Ken picks Shawn up and puts him on the top turnbuckle, hits a punch, then goes for backdrop suplex off the top. Shawn counters with an elbow and shoves him off. Before Shawn can turn around and come off, Ken counters with some punchery, then goes up, going for the superplex, it connects. Both men down. Cover for 2 on Shawn. Ken with more stompery. Replay of the superplex. Ken locks in an octopus on Shawn. Shawn seems at peace with it. Ken hits some punches and lets go. Shawn hits an uppercut and some punchery to stop the assault. Shawn to the ropes and hits an elbow, kips up and hits an atomic drop. Shawn with some punchery, then goes up top. Shawn misses the elbow drop, Ken gets a victory roll for 2. Ken goes for a scoopslam, but Shawn wiggles out for a cover of two. Ken flips it around for 2. Shawn flips it around for 2. Ken flips it around for 2. They bridge up, Shawn hits a sunset flip for 2. Ken flips it around for 2. Ken has Shawn up, goes for the Victory Roll, Shawn wiggles out, Ken hits a reverse Russian Leg Sweep for the three count. Wait... did Ken Kennedy just win clean? Replay of the superplex, and missed elbow drop, and the end of the match. Three times. Hey Todd Grisham is backstage. This must be a... yep. Triple H is backstage looking large and Fabio-like. He talks. Vince and Regal show up. They talk. I'll assume they were discussing Steroids in Baseball, since I have this muted. Again something happens to the video, and I unmute it as Vince tells Regal he's going to wrestle Hornswaggle. Best part? Vince's ringtone on his cell phone is "No Chance." That. Is. Awesome. Video package of WWE in Iraq. RR Commercial. The first RR was won by Hacksaw Jim Duggan. No wonder it's so retarded. LA RIBA LA RAZE, EL SECONDO MATCHO! This is a qualifying match for the RR. I like these. Ah crap. Out first is I MISSED THE HOOOO TRAIN!. He is Jim Duggan. His opponent is I EAT TRAINS. He is Umaga. EL SO MANYO MATCHESO, THIS IS EL GOODO! NUMERO FOURO! Jim Duggan screams about the USA. Umaga doesn't undersand 'tard however, and just punches the shit out of him. He then punches Duggan for awhile in the corner. It would KIND of make sense to have Duggan IN the RR, but why in God's green Earth would you have him beat Umaga? Umaga hits the Butt Slam in the corner, then puts his thumb up. He picks Duggan up and hits the Samoan Spike for the three count. Vince McMahon walks in on Ric Flair talking to Hardcore Holly and Cody Rhodes. Vince talks all sexily to Ric. Recap of JBL and Jericho getting into shenanigans at Armageddon. AYE CARUMBA! A SEGMENTINO! Out first is ALL THE PEOPLE WHO WATCH FOX BUSINESS CHANNEL CAN FIT IN MY LIMO. He is JBL. JBL apparently has a new super power where he puts his fist in the air, and fireworks shoot off. He's like a larger, hairier, less Asian Jubilee. Seriously. He does it fucking 3 times. 4 times. Then he puts BOTH fists in the air, and DOUBLE Pyro goes off. They had to take Christian's Pyro away for money issues, but JBL has enough now to blow up Rhode Island? JBL talks, then Jericho comes running out and brawls with him for awhile. FINALLY some refs come out and break it up. Do refs double as security? There's Sgt. Slaughter. Take a drink! JBL's nose is cut. Commercial. Recap of what just happened. JBL is backstage yelling at the referees for no reason, telling them he can buy them. One time, at military school, this guy named Nibal Cheema told me that if I didn't stop making him do push-ups, he'd buy me and put me on his porch. I have no clue to this day if he was coming on to me or not. EL SKANKO MATCHO Out first is EVIL SKANK. She is Melina. Her opponent is LESBO SKANK. She is Mickie James. Their opponent is SKANK WHO WILL KILL YOU. She is Beth Phoenix. Actually, they all look pretty hawt. Even Mickie, who I don't normally like to look at. Melina backs off, Mickie turns her back, and Melina hits her from behind. Beth throws her to the ropes, and her and Mickie fuck something up, so Mickie just lays down. Literally. Cover for one. Mickie hits some kicks on Beth and a Thesz Press for mounted punching. Melina breaks it up, and Beth grabs Mickie and hits a nelson slam. Melina covers for two, Beth breaks it up. Melina slaps Beth, and Beth grabs her. Melina and Mickie both attack Beth, and hit a double enziguri. They then fight over who will cover. Mickie finally hits a capture neckbreaker for two. Beth breaks it up. These women's matches suck. Beth throws Melina out of the ring, Mickie gets a kick and goes for her skank DDT. Mickie chokes out Beth with her legs while Melina chokes out Mickie with hers. Melina covers Beth, Mickie breaks it up and covers. Beth breaks it up and covers. All of those for two. Mickie gets a rollup on Beht for two, then Melina gets a rollup on Mickie for two. Beth misses a double clothesline, then gets dumped outside by both of them. Melina and Mickie hit a double dropkick to knock her BACK off. Mickie hits her DDT thing for a two count, broken up by Beth. Beth picks Mickie up and tosses her outside. Beth grabs Melina and hits the Fisherman's Suplex for the three count, Mickie tries to break it up but is too late. Mickie looks like she's lost weight. Must be trying to fit into her old Cheerleader outfit. Flair Vs. HHH tonight! NO CHANCE THIS IS A SEGMENT? Out is GRAPFRUITS and CUMQUAT. They are Vince McMahon and William Regal. Seriously. Why can't Regal just wrestle normally? He has all the tools to main event, and he's wrestling with Coach as his partner, and against Hornswaggle like an idiot. His opponent is TRIPOD. He is Hornswaggle. This had better be short and short. No pun intended. Vince gives HS a pep talk. HS is like, the most successful midget in wrestling ever. Luckily he only has a little competition. Hyuk. Vince and HS hug. Regal and HS shake hands. Lockup. Regal wins and puts HS in the corner. Lockup again. Regal puts HS in the corner again. Regal looks to punch HS, but can't do it. Vince isn't happy with that, I guess. He confers with Regal in the corner. HS low blows Regal in the shin, and Regal grabs him, but can't hit him again. Vince offers Regal the brass knucks. Regal can't do it. HS just runs away. Vince in the ring, and slaps Regal. He says that this was a test, and Regal failed. He wanted to see if Regal would hit HS. Fucking hit him. Do it! And... he doesn't. He walks out. Recap of Jeff Hardy and Randy Orton playing around earlier in the night. I'm willing to put money on Orton interfering and Jeff winning his match tonight via DQ. EH SEMI-MAIN EVENTO! Out first is DANCING MACHINE. He is Jeff Hardy, and your Intercontinental Champion. His opponent is BETTER THANA YOUS. The best stable ever comes out. Santino Marella, Maria in a fedora, and Carlito. Jeff shows he can clap as well as my 9 month old daughter, lockup. Jeff puts Santino in the corner. Breakup. Hardy chants. Lockup. Armdrag on Santino, and another. Santino cheap shots Jeff, then hits some punchery and shoots him to the corner. Jeff comes out for a kick, but Santino catches the leg and hits a back leg trip for two. Santino with some knees, Jeff hits a capture clothesline. Jeff hits an enziguri, then the swinging mule kick into the corner on Santino. Jeff goes up top, yells something stupid, then Randy Orton gets on the Titantron, and says he kicked Matt where he had his appendex out. Jeff runs to the back to get counted out. Officials show up as Jeff checks on Matt. HHH and Flair backstage chattin it up. EL MAINO EVENTO Out first is 1UPS PWN!. He is Triple H. His opponent is IMRICFLAIRANDIWONTRETIREWOOWOOWOOWOO!. He is Ric Flair, and he is insane. Damn. I'm kind of tired. Everyone circles, and Ric does a littl strutting. Flair Woo's alot. The crowd is decidedly behind Flair. Lockup. Headlock by HHH into a hammerlock by HHH. Flair gets a headlock takedown and a cover for two. HHH shoots him to the ropes, and Flair holds on, then struts. Flair could strut in a ring for 10 minutes and I'd be happy. Flair shoots HHH to the ropes, and eats a shoulderblock. Flair up. Lockup. HHH with a headlock, Flair punches out. Shoulderblock by HHH, to the ropes and Flair hits a hiptoss and a chop. HHH now takes a breather. Flair already looks like he's gone for 30 minutes. Lockup. HHH gets him in the corner, and breakup. Flair reverses it around and breaks it off, then Woos. HHH with a punch. HHH picks Flair up and hits a punch. Stompery. HHH picks him up and hits some more punchery in teh corner. Flair with a chop. HHH with apunch. Flair trades punches for chops, fights his way out, shoots HHH to the ropes, reversed and a back elbow takes Flair down. HHH with a knee drop. HHH with another knee drop. Flair rolls to the corner. HHH picks him up and hits a headsmash in the corner, then some punchery. HHH with more punchery. Flair fights back with chops again. Again. More. Wooing everywhere! Flair shoots him to the ropes, and HHH hits the facebuster for a two count. HHH with some punchery in the corner. HHH with a neckbreaker for two. HHH has Flair in the corner again, and Flair chops out. Chop count at 512. Flair to the ropes and HHH hits a spinebuster. HHH stalks Flair. Flair up. Kick to the midsection, Pedigree attempted, Flair counters with a backslide for two. HHH with stompery. HHH shoots Flair to the ropes and gets a sleeper. Flair is fading. The ref checks. Checks again. Again. Pay the damn check! Flair with a backdrop suplex breaks it up. Both men down as the ref counts. Both men up at 8. HHH with punchery, and Flair fights back out. More chops. More punches. More Woos! Flair has HHH down. Flair hits a double underhook suplex on HHH? WTF? Flair with more chops. Flair gets shot to the corner, but HHH eats a back elbow as he charges in. Flair goes up top. No! HHH tries to stop it, but Flair smacks him off, and Flair hits the ax-handle drop! Holy shit! Has that ever worked for Flair before? Flair covers for two, then gets up and struts and Woos some more. Flair with a knee drop. Flair takes out the knee on HHH as he gets up. Flair does it again. Flair drags him to the middle of the ring, goes for the Figure Four, but HHH kicks him off. Flair charges in, and HHH gets a sleeper. Flair hits a leg smash, then gets the Figure Four! Fucking tap out! DO IT! DO IT NOW YOU SELFISH PRICK!!! TAP! THE! FUCK! OUT! HHH reaches for the ropes. Flair holding on. TAP OUT! Flair drags HHH back into the middle of the ring. HHH lays down for a two count. HHH holding on, screaming his heart out. HHH trying to get for the ropes, and GOT IT. FUCK YOU HUNTER! Flair stands up, HHH kicks him to the midsection and hits the Pedigree out of nowhere. Shit. Both men are down though. HHH tries to drag himself over. Regal is now out and punches Flair in the head for the DQ. Huh? Flair and HHH embrace all gay-like to end the show. Not that there's anything wrong with that. FINAL THOUGHTS: Decent show. The main event actually got me into it, which I am NEVER into it these days, so I was pissed at the DQ finish. I'd like to see Flair win clean on SOMETHING, but I understand why he can't. He's 80 years old or something. He should wrestle Hornswaggle one of these weeks. Let's see if he can make HS look good.
Comments: 4
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Isn't Hornswoggle actually the "cumquat"?